Thinkers and Feelers: Decisions

Something I love about diving deeper into self awareness is this... adding framework to who I am helps me to quickly identify when I am behaving from an inauthentic, or learned, place. That doesn’t just mean the unconscious choices we make, but the conscious ones we make as well. At times we accept conditioning as truth.

Let’s take personality profiles like MBTI. We are familiar with introvert vs extrovert, sensing vs Intuition, feeling vs thinking, perceiving vs judging, so I’ll use these.

Did you know that stereotypes are the biggest culprits when it comes to personality conditioning? “I cry a lot, I must be a feeler.” “I am really OCD, I must be a judger.” “I don’t like people, I must be an introvert.”

^these are stereotypes, and they are misleading. Tonight I want to share about making decisions....

Thinkers and feelers alike have emotions (SURPRISE!) These words do not describe your depth of emotionality, they describe your decision making process. Empathy, sadness, disappointment, frustration, depression, etc are universal abilities and can be experienced by anyone.

In MBTI’s “Thinkers and Feelers” reflects how we sort and use information for decision making purposes. Do you lead with logic, or your gut? Another sign of conditioning is having a habit of poor decision making, or rarely seeing desired results. This can also indicate that you are making decisions through an unnatural function. As a feeler, if I tried leading with logic I would miss organic opportunities right and left... I wouldn’t take healthy risk. If I was a thinker and I led with my gut, I would overlook or minimize possible hazards or obstacles.

For those of us who live in reality where we are expected to exercise our learned skills; like exercising logic as a feeler, or maturing your spontaneity/gut as a thinker... it can feel blurry trying to determine which function is your dominant function. That’s where sitting down with someone who can ask you some targeted questions may help determine what’s authentic and what’s learned.

For some individuals it’s enough to accept that sometimes we operate in an unnatural function, and they are at peace though they aren’t sure which one is learned and which one is natural. So this isn’t really for those people. Digging deeper into how you function at your core may help you figure out why you struggle in your relationships, or work. It may help you figure out why you struggle to make lifestyle changes, or break habits. It may shed light on why you are that “emotional,” or  “cold,” or “dramatic,” or “harsh” person that stereotypes have labeled you to be.... it might just be the start you have been looking for.

Growing Pains and Team Work (What 2016 has taught me)

Our nation has been through a lot in it's young life. Yes, "young". There are nations on earth who have been established much longer and seen their fair share of conflict as well. With this as my perspective, I look out at the sea of celebration that's clashing with a sea of pain... misunderstandings and misplaced judgements on both sides. No doubt, our points of view are all over the map. What matters most to me may not even be on your radar... that's often what creates such divides, but it's also the very reason why we have multiple candidates in the first place. That's why presidents have terms. That's why there are amendments to the constitution. You see where I'm going with this. I, for one, am tired of this "lesser evil" mentality when it comes to our nation's LEADER. I want to see us bring candidates to the table that a majority believes in, but I know how hard that will be. Our country has an order to things, this means gravity will take it's course and we have 4 years to learn from this and stand up for what we believe in. If you are someone who is pleased with this president-elect, you have at least four years where you'll be able to submit to his leadership and create the change you wish to see. Get involved, help him reach his potential.

Instead of waiting for tomorrow, I'm going to focus on today. I am going to humbly acknowledge that we are young as a nation and have room to grow. Why are people rioting? Well, why does anyone act out? To feel seen, heard and acknowledged. Please, look past the demonstration... what are they SAYING? If we want to see the riots stop, we have to mature our listening. Listen with understanding, listen over and over. SHOW that we are safe, not just preaching it. People with bad intentions will always be out there, we'll handle them later. This is a time to listen. Taking the moral high ground while people are clearly hurting and confused is not going to create the unity we want. Down playing the fears and concerns people have will not make them go away... it will make things worse. If you aren't currently feeling a desire to riot, that means it's your turn to listen. I believe there are more good people in the world than bad. So show up. Represent. Be the solution. You aren't a Racist, Xenophobe, Homophobe, Intolerant person? Show up. You aren't burning flags, assaulting cops, inciting violence or "throwing a fit"? Show up. This is a growing pain for our nation... our young nation has plenty of room to grow, becoming stronger and more unified than ever. It requires team work... less finger pointing.

Parenthood And Stress: It's Time To Talk About It

Parenthood And Stress: It's Time To Talk About It

First, let me say, I'm writing this post as a reminder for myself, as much as I hope it can be a resource for you. Stress happens, parenthood is no exception... and how our bodies react when under stress is God's gift to us. Seriously.

Let's talk about what stress is on a biological level. The Mayo Clinic breaks stress down into two categories: there is acute stress and chronic stress.

Acute stress is more commonly known as the fight or flight response (more recently studies have also shown that many people "freeze" as well.) This is what you experience when you come across a perceived threat or are startled. Chronic stress is what occurs when acute stressors linger. An acutely stressful day at work is differently than a chronically stressful workplace. An acutely stressful day as a mother is different than a chronically stressful season. See the difference?

Let's talk about parenthood and how it fits in with all of this. How many of you would agree that parenthood is an incredible addition to your life? I'm sure that's a pretty common thing we have in common. We love our kids, they are pretty fantastic gifts from God. Did you know that parenthood comes with stressors that we are biologically programmed to respond to? This is where many tired parents may feel conflicted and struggle to juggle the polarized emotions they feel toward their role as mom or dad. STRESS. Underneath the various emotional words we may use to describe how we feel, we are experiencing fluctuations of hormones. A physiological response to life. This is how our bodies communicate with us. It's a gift from God, truly.

So what kinds of acute stress triggers might a parent come across? While you're thinking about that, I will offer a few ideas...

•screaming •unpredictable disruptions in sleep •disruptions in your schedule •incidents, like being bit •misplacing a child •running behind for events •minor injuries of a child •a child disagreeing with you •uncovering a major mess •car trouble

You feel me? These are normal. Stressors like these kind of just come with the gig, and I'm sure you can help me make this list longer. They are acute, stress that doesn't linger... the kind of stress that is pretty easy to walk off. In fact, you probably do it subconsciously more often than you do it consciously. We are biologically wired to respond to stress with a fight or flight reflex, that's how we get stuff done! That's how we shift gears and protect our young from threats, how we muster up the energy to feed a newborn at all hours of the night, how we automatically prioritize and take care of pressing needs first. Stress is a biological kick in the pants.

What about chronic stress? Maybe you're like me and you're coming to grips with the fact that your family is experiencing an abnormal amount of stress, which means an abnormal amount of mindfulness is needed to "handle" things. So what kinds of things would fall under the category of chronic stress?

•infant colic •chronic illness in the family •developmental delays •finances •relationship stress •infidelity of spouse/significant other •bad work environment •death in the family •mental health struggles •faith crisis

Whew... that list is a little heavier, isn't it. Chronic stress is not just one moment of a child screaming, it builds up from being overexposed to screaming. Using this as an example, I'll elaborate. We are never powerless to our emotions, unless we give our power away. We DO have a say in how we handle these things. That's actually a sneaky benefit of chronic stress, we know it's coming... we can be proactive. But we can only do something about it if we are willing to acknowledge how it effects us. I can only get the break I need from a colic/all day screaming baby if I am willing to make it a priority to take a break. That's the thing with chronic stress, we cannot be naive. It's demanding, it's disruptive... and it will continually suck us dry. Perseverance and a little positivity may help with acute stress, but it will not help you endure chronic stress. (Self love and a moment in the hallway will.) It doesn't require a luxurious cruise to the Bahamas (but I mean, that certainly couldn't hurt, right?) It requires discipline and a realistic outlook.

You can choose to be positive, but you must first choose to say no to stress. I don't mean "Peace out chronic stress, I quit!" It would be great if life worked that way, but it doesn't always. You may be able to quit your job, but quitting a stressful marriage would be a whole different ballpark. You may be able to resolve your faith dilemma with help from a mentor, but a child with developmental delays is going to hang around. So how do we say "no?" Sometimes the best way to say no to a chronically stressful situation is actually to just say "not right now."

Saying no for 5 minutes in the hallway is better than being ugly for 5+ minutes to your family (and the fallout that occurs). When I am drained and I feel fight or flight coming on, I am officially of more use to my family if I leave the room, than if I try to persevere. But if you leave the room, be prepared to come back ready to be present. A "break" is not just for you, it's for your family; better is five minutes of mindfulness, than five minutes of mindlessness. Doing things like breathing techniques, yoga, speaking self affirmations, getting fresh air, sitting down/standing up, laying down and closing your eyes, spell your name out loud, etc... the objective of a 'break' is to disrupt the stress sequence. The biological part that makes it "chronic." Momentarily telling your body "there is no threat here, you can relax." This tool only works if you will, in fact, acknowledge that your body has identified a threat to begin with.

So what happens when we don't listen to our bodies? This is my favorite part to discuss... that sounds so sadistic, right? It's truly fascinating to me, because being gut level honest about this stuff has opened my eyes to a world of grace that I so desperately needed. When I ignore the biological signals my body is sending, like...

•heart racing •sweaty palms •hyper vigilance •reactive language •clumsiness •insomnia •weight loss/gain •low libido •stomach aches

When I ignore those things... it escalates. It means a bad day with no sleep, evolves into a bad week between me and my spouse... the core problem has nothing to do with my husband, but my irritability and hyper vigilance (due to stressors) is causing me to treat him poorly; this leads to misunderstandings and more stress and more hyper vigilance, etc... Do you see where I am going with this? The biological signals you are experiencing may be saying "RUN!" but they are there to tell you you need a break. Not everyone can relate. The reason for that is because we all process stress differently. A screaming baby doesn't stress Jane the same way it does me. Vomit doesn't effect me as much as it effects my sympathy-vomiter-husband. Scary movies do not effect my husband as much as they effect my toddler.

We sometimes cover this all with a magic marker and diminish the "weaker" person's feelings... but it's the same amount of work either way. Just because a person CAN handle vomit differently than Jason does, doesn't mean he will eventually have as much tolerance as I do for it. Just because Jane handles screaming differently than I do, doesn't mean I will eventually be unmoved when surrounded by babies who are screaming. Like nails on a chalk board, some things are just acute triggers... and it's ok that they are. God built that reflex in for a reason. If you really try to, you can reduce or eliminate acute stressors, but to do so takes patience. The aim is not to quit listening to your body, the aim is to communicate with your body. You may know something intellectually, but your reflexes disagree. Naturally, I know my babies aren't threats to me. So WHEN I am feeling overwhelmed by the crying, I don't tell myself to toughen up, I lovingly step away for a moment and return. I do this as much as I need to until they stop. I pray for relief around screaming babies about as much as I pray for my baby to have relief. Sometimes God doesn't remove the "thorn" or our struggle, instead he gives you an opportunity to grow in discipline, like with the tools I mentioned earlier.

My youngest has chronic health issues. She has had colic behavior since she was born, and she is currently one year old. She is easier to reason with now, able to communicate her needs... but she has many reasons to feel discomfort and many reasons to cry. Even with all of that knowledge, it's like nails on a chalk board when she screams. I have made major progress, I am able to hold space with her when she is sick and clingy and fussy, but I still need mindfulness breaks. I still need to take five minutes and tell my body that we are safe. When I have a disagreement with my husband, I remind myself that it's OK to somehow articulate that I feel stressed and need five minutes of mindfulness. Even in a healthy marriage, there can be stress... and that stress compounds and increases as the family grows. So what you choose to DO with your stress is where the real power lies. Do not give that power away; If you aren't keeping your emotions in check, who is?

How are you doing? Have any light bulbs gone off while reading this? Have you begun to realize how small, acute stressors can snow ball into chronic stress? I want to hear from you!

Stop Calling My Birth Easy

Stop calling my birth easy.

There. I said it. If I am being honest, which clearly I am in that kind of mood, the words "birth" and "easy" do not belong in the same sentence. "Easy" and "kids" don't belong in the same sentence either. Stop calling it easy!

But let's rewind. If all that you knew about my birth is how long my labor lasted, or that I gave birth at home, you may be hearing potato when I'm not even talking about veggies... Do you feel me? We announce these stats like they can truly give a realistic image into birth. When we share a baby's size, are we assessing how hard it may have been to birth said child? Are we wondering how healthy that child is? I must say I'm not entirely sure.

My active labor was 2hours long... I always feel inclined to add a *BUT*. "But I had prodromal labor for a month." Like, it wasn't as easy as it sounds. A mother undergoes a c section, which to some implies that she didn't get the "full birth experience" (yes I have heard someone say that.) But guess what? Many women who undergo a c section actually labor for quite a while before a surgical route is suggested. Even if they never felt a single contraction, I'm pretty sure it's no picnic to recover from abdominal surgery while caring for you family. In contrast, I cannot imagine what it's like to be in active labor for days, but I DO know that growing and delivering little humans is exhausting!

Why is there so much judging? You'd think there is a birth olympics medal ceremony somewhere: "Sorry, you were docked points for a short labor, but it looks like you made up for it by giving birth at home... That's pretty brave, so I'm gonna give you an 8 out of 10 overall." What is this!? We are systematically undercutting the bravery and vulnerability that EVERY BIRTHING MOTHER endures when they bring a helpless child into this world.

While we're at it, let's go a step further... Say you AREN'T the woman who birthed your children. Oh, well... We don't even have a yard stick to tell how much of a badass you are, how will you ever have a leg to stand on as a mother. (sarcasm of course.) If we stand around lording over new moms, "Wait until you've gone weeks without sleep- wait until terrible twos- wait until you have MULTIPLE kids..." We will only perpetuate the Parenthood Hunger Games. Does it sounid crazy yet? Do I sound crazy yet?

The measure of a woman, the measure of a mother... It's not calculable based on a few stats. My birth was beautiful, and it took me months to prepare for it. Literally months of doing squats and stretches and meditations, because that's how I chose to treat my body. Choosing to breastfeed was incredibly hard, not a moment has been easy. But you know what? Mixing formula for a little one isn't without its challenges, I've done it as a foster momma. Baby wearing vs strollers, vaccinations vs non-vaccination, medicated vs natural, cry it out vs attachment parenting... The motherhood Olympic events go on and on. Many seem to be under the impression that these are opposing teams, not choices. Unfortunately, the peanut gallery isn't present in your home to help support these various events, they just sit back and inform you how to parent.



We each start off clueless. There comes a day when you are handed a helpless human being and in that moment you get to assume responsibility. How you got there might look worlds different from how I got there... And where you go from there might look worlds different than where I am going. You wanna know why? Because our helpless new babies don't know there is a core belief system and lifestyle waiting for them. My girls didn't know they were being born into a Christian, attachment parenting, hippy house... My oldest didn't know she was born with an epidural in a hospital. They don't know we had kids right away instead of waiting a few years. They don't know we are a "one car family," or that not all daddies have motorcycles. They don't know that some kids have more toys than them, or bigger houses than them... There are other ways to parent... Because we are entirely different people.

Struggling isn't the mark of poor parenting, it's proof that you are breathing. Constantly trying to one up your efforts, reading the latest parenting book, keeping up with the invisible standard --and I hear that soon I'll be faced with how to school my children *gasp*. Aiming to bear fruit is significantly more realistic than aiming to have a perfect garden. Guess what? Someone will always disagree with you. Birth, parenthood, relationships, adulthood-- it's all hard. I imagine this thing we call motherhood would feel like a safer place if we put down the score cards and approached our differences as teammates, instead of opponents.

Trust God

"Trust God" is never bad advice. It's a high calling. He is our peace. He is our protector. He is our Father. 

I have never been in a position that required such faith in God before. My struggle to follow is not a superficial one. The struggle I have experienced is by no means a lack of trust in Him, it's really more of a struggle to understand my part. Does trust mean It's time to be still, or time to take action? Does faith mean I just need to persevere (because He will provide) or let go (because He will provide)? Do you see my dilemma?

 I cannot tell you how many times I have been told to "let go and let God," in some way, shape or form in the last 9 months. It's usually said with the best of intentions, but it's said often nonetheless. The truth is, I live a blessed life. A life where we are able to live on one income and I can stay home with our kids. I have been able to watch my kids grow before my eyes. I have seen all of their firsts. I have been able to care for them when they are not well. I have been able to fill our home with laughter and memories. However, things aren't easy. Financially we planned for me to work. I planned to build my business after Reia was born so I could pursue my passions while helping to supplement income for our growing family. I planned to be the easy going mom who didn't bat an eye about taking weekend trips away to focus on my marriage. I was going to be a fast food mom. I was going to be the non-organic-it's-ok mom. I was going to be the chill mom... The spontaneous plans mom. 

I was. 

Plans didn't change suddenly. In fact, it took me months to realize that I was no longer just "delaying my plans, again" I was rewriting them. That's not a lack of faith, friends, that's life. God is no less faithful in my life because life is not going smoothly. I am not ungrateful by acknowledging this... I have prayed in faith that Reia would have better health. I have prayed in faith that we would experience more freedom as a family. But when Reia turned 9 months old I made a decision to acknowledge the ways our story has been rewritten. Up to this point I prayed in faith that God would allow her poor immunity to improve, that he would allow us to travel to see friends and family, that he would allow me to work, that we wouldn't spend so much on Doctor's appointments, that I would have time to be able to care for myself better.

I still believe that God is able to do these things. I believe that we are growing closer to God, each other and our church family during this experience. But I also believe that God doesn't make mistakes. What has changed, essentially, is that I trust that He doesn't want me to work right now. I trust that he will provide for us financially, somehow, but it won't be through me. I trust that Reia has a long road ahead of her and it will need my full attention at times. I trust that most people have no idea how overwhelming and confusing these 9 months have been, but that doesn't mean they dont sympathize. I am confident that just because someone thinks I am not trusting God, that doesn't mean they're right. I trust that my struggles, your struggles and "their" struggles are all struggles... And we can support each other without comparing them. I trust that we have humbly sought help and assistance from every side. I trust that we are making the wisest choices we can on our budget. I trust that I have taken a challenging year and made incredible memories for my family to look back on, in spite of our struggles. I trust that God's assignment for me this year is to fight, but fighting for my family looks different everyday. Sometimes fighting means we make it to bed time without raising our voices with each other. Sometimes fighting means we forgive each other's exhausted messy feelings. Sometimes fighting means pushing for more bloodwork and tests to determine what is ailing my baby. Sometimes trusting means listening to our Doctor and missing out on activities for weeks at a time. Sometimes fighting means we choose to silence satan's lies that threaten to steal our joy, harmony or confidence. Sometimes fighting means allowing myself to grieve the changes we have experienced so that we leave no room for even an ounce of resentment. 

Faith is a living organism, folks. It is the dark we shoot into. It is what fills our hands when we decide to let go. If it doesn't bring you to tears, to your knees, or to the edge of all you know... Is it really faith? 

“Now faith is the reality of what is hoped for, the proof of what is not seen.”

Hebrews 11:1 HCSB

Hebrews 11 goes on and on about how believers did things by faith... By faith, by faith, by faith... And in the end, all of them were "approved" by their faith, but none of them saw what was promised. We may see easier days in this lifetime. In fact, I'm sure we will! But none of it is our final destination. This place in all of it's imperfection does not appeal to me when I remember the glory ahead of us. The many things I wish we could do... It's all less shiny in comparison. For now I choose faith. For now I wait to see if I am being called to action, or called to be still. I trust that it will make sense someday. I trust that none of our struggle is in vain.

Marbles

Have you ever experienced a watershed* moment? Chances are, most of you have. What about watershed moments in relationships? Brene Brown talks about Marble Jar moments, overtime building trust (earning marbles). 

Most trusting relationships are actually built in small moments. But what about the big ones? Ever go through something difficult, to find the people who were there for you were not who you expected? Do you think it's because they knew how much it would mean to you, or because they just made a decision to be present? Does it make a difference? I've come to realize that I give bigger "marbles" in those watershed moments. Those turning points. Those milestones. Those break downs. People who stood with me in crisis and celebrated with me in victory. The people who saw my skeletons and mess, and without judgment showed me their own. 

Then what about those who weren't there? What then? Where were they? Do they lose a marble? Do you just let it go like nothing happened? Do you tell them what they missed out on? I suppose it all depends on how much trust was there in the first place, etc... One thing I know for sure is that watershed moments leave us changed. They aren't even talking to the same person. We're wiser. We're evolving. We're tired. We're _____... 

We are on this new path, for better or for worse. The friends who were there with us aren't "better" because they were there. This isn't a popularity contest... They were, however, present. They saw the story unfold. They were witness to the birth of this new you. Keep these friends close... They will remind you how far you've come. They will remind you of the battle scars no one else sees. But let others in too. Watch them. Do they see what has changed? Do they respect your story? Are they onboard with who you are striving to be? It's not too late for them to earn more of your trust. 

But there is no room for skeptics. For the fair weather friends. For the bully who makes you feel small. For the friend who won't cheer for you. The river has split, this is where you part ways, get back to rowing. The point is not to make a show and sever ties, absolutely not! There's just no room in the boat for an anchor... See the difference? 

Give trust where trust is due. Keep rowing.

*watershed definition

I Am Capable

I have caught myself with a pit in my stomach and a tightness in my chest all evening. This usually happens subconsciously when I mentally touch a "hot iron", which is what I call my anxiety triggers. Tonight it was a social trigger. So what do you do when your body says "man the battle stations!" (Fight or flight, yo) but you are a long ways past it mentally? You watch the Minions movie with your best friend and sip water. 

I've learned that my body's anxiety doesn't go away just because I want it to, it might not even go away when I'm done processing and the "threat" is gone. I have to metabolize the adrenaline and calm myself... And the less I try to ignore or minimize what my body is going through, the quicker it resolves itself. This goes for bad days and bad seasons. Whether it's bad enough that I make an appointment with my Doctor, or it's just a rough day and I go for my essential oils, there is a command center in my brain that knows to question what my anxiety tells me.

Anxiety isn't in charge. There certainly are days when my anxiety beats me up and it takes longer to recover... But if there's one thing I have learned in the last few years, it's that I am not who my anxiety would have me believe I am. 

I am capable of action. 

I am capable of processing. 

I am capable of doing new things. 

I am capable of recovering from a mistake. 

I am capable of choosing hope, rather than hopelessness. 

I am capable of doubting the lies my anxiety wants me to believe. 

I am capable of making plans and confidently following through. 

I am capable of confidently canceling plans when I need to focus on self care. 

I am capable of investing in peaceful activities that fill me up. 

I am capable of making a phone call to find support. 

I am capable of "naming it" and stripping anxiety of it's power to take over. 

I am capable of helping my children identify their big feelings and help them stand in their strength. 

I am capable of feeding myself well.

I am capable of giving myself grace.

I am capable of starting over tomorrow.

I am capable of making a life that honors Tab and the woman God made her to be, regardless of my physical and psychological speed bumps.