Marbles

Have you ever experienced a watershed* moment? Chances are, most of you have. What about watershed moments in relationships? Brene Brown talks about Marble Jar moments, overtime building trust (earning marbles). 

Most trusting relationships are actually built in small moments. But what about the big ones? Ever go through something difficult, to find the people who were there for you were not who you expected? Do you think it's because they knew how much it would mean to you, or because they just made a decision to be present? Does it make a difference? I've come to realize that I give bigger "marbles" in those watershed moments. Those turning points. Those milestones. Those break downs. People who stood with me in crisis and celebrated with me in victory. The people who saw my skeletons and mess, and without judgment showed me their own. 

Then what about those who weren't there? What then? Where were they? Do they lose a marble? Do you just let it go like nothing happened? Do you tell them what they missed out on? I suppose it all depends on how much trust was there in the first place, etc... One thing I know for sure is that watershed moments leave us changed. They aren't even talking to the same person. We're wiser. We're evolving. We're tired. We're _____... 

We are on this new path, for better or for worse. The friends who were there with us aren't "better" because they were there. This isn't a popularity contest... They were, however, present. They saw the story unfold. They were witness to the birth of this new you. Keep these friends close... They will remind you how far you've come. They will remind you of the battle scars no one else sees. But let others in too. Watch them. Do they see what has changed? Do they respect your story? Are they onboard with who you are striving to be? It's not too late for them to earn more of your trust. 

But there is no room for skeptics. For the fair weather friends. For the bully who makes you feel small. For the friend who won't cheer for you. The river has split, this is where you part ways, get back to rowing. The point is not to make a show and sever ties, absolutely not! There's just no room in the boat for an anchor... See the difference? 

Give trust where trust is due. Keep rowing.

*watershed definition

I Am Capable

I have caught myself with a pit in my stomach and a tightness in my chest all evening. This usually happens subconsciously when I mentally touch a "hot iron", which is what I call my anxiety triggers. Tonight it was a social trigger. So what do you do when your body says "man the battle stations!" (Fight or flight, yo) but you are a long ways past it mentally? You watch the Minions movie with your best friend and sip water. 

I've learned that my body's anxiety doesn't go away just because I want it to, it might not even go away when I'm done processing and the "threat" is gone. I have to metabolize the adrenaline and calm myself... And the less I try to ignore or minimize what my body is going through, the quicker it resolves itself. This goes for bad days and bad seasons. Whether it's bad enough that I make an appointment with my Doctor, or it's just a rough day and I go for my essential oils, there is a command center in my brain that knows to question what my anxiety tells me.

Anxiety isn't in charge. There certainly are days when my anxiety beats me up and it takes longer to recover... But if there's one thing I have learned in the last few years, it's that I am not who my anxiety would have me believe I am. 

I am capable of action. 

I am capable of processing. 

I am capable of doing new things. 

I am capable of recovering from a mistake. 

I am capable of choosing hope, rather than hopelessness. 

I am capable of doubting the lies my anxiety wants me to believe. 

I am capable of making plans and confidently following through. 

I am capable of confidently canceling plans when I need to focus on self care. 

I am capable of investing in peaceful activities that fill me up. 

I am capable of making a phone call to find support. 

I am capable of "naming it" and stripping anxiety of it's power to take over. 

I am capable of helping my children identify their big feelings and help them stand in their strength. 

I am capable of feeding myself well.

I am capable of giving myself grace.

I am capable of starting over tomorrow.

I am capable of making a life that honors Tab and the woman God made her to be, regardless of my physical and psychological speed bumps. 

The kind of mom I AM

The quiet was deafening, so I went to Gemma's bed. She slept in until 10am, people... I missed her. 

I opened her door and heard her stir. I tip toed... Her bed is covered with a tent, so I pulled back the sheet and she turned to me. "Gooo mornin!" She whispered. I excitedly hurried to her bed and plopped down. "Gemma! It's morning! I missed you! Good morning!" She giggled and blushed "Good morning momma, I love you!" We had a kiss fight, then hugged. 

I realized early on that Gemma is my morning person. She greets the day with a bang and loves to see the sun come up. I love being a part of her morning. I LOVE getting to sing "GOOD MORNING TO YOUUUUU!" As we walk to breakfast. 

She is a fire cracker full of life... I know she is a world changer, so I know I play an important part in helping her become who she was born to be. It's outside of my comfort zone, but oh how special it feels to brighten her world. 

I'm not the Pinterest mom who oozes sparkles and mod podge. I'm not super Green, I'm not stylish. I am not more or less than _____, those just aren't my gifts. 

What I am is Tab. I make ordinary things special. I mix and match socks, I hand my kids sheets of stickers and clean it up later. We finger paint, and play at the splash pad in our street clothes. I butcher songs and insert my kids' names. I celebrate milestones with cheers and tickle fights, even if all we accomplished was making it to our destination without throwing a fit. 

I bet I'm sounding like a good mom right about now, or maybe I just sound full of myself... But that's because I'm celebrating my strengths. My strengths are gifts to my kids, but so are my weaknesses. My lack organization makes things a little more exciting (funky sock combos). My lack of style means I stress less when my kid throws up on me. Physical touch isn't my primary love language, so the times I feel moved to initiate cuddles, it's special and memorable. I am introverted, that means I am not super great at anticipating Gemma's social needs, but I make our time at home magical because it's "my zone." 

We are all made up of give and take. Strengths and weaknesses. Pros and cons... But we can use all of them to our benefit, because we are each "enough mom" to go around. Our children weren't given to us at random. We were pre selected to raise our families. I don't know about you, but that's both the biggest compliment and the biggest challenge I have ever received, but I accept it either way.