"Trust God" is never bad advice. It's a high calling. He is our peace. He is our protector. He is our Father.
I have never been in a position that required such faith in God before. My struggle to follow is not a superficial one. The struggle I have experienced is by no means a lack of trust in Him, it's really more of a struggle to understand my part. Does trust mean It's time to be still, or time to take action? Does faith mean I just need to persevere (because He will provide) or let go (because He will provide)? Do you see my dilemma?
I cannot tell you how many times I have been told to "let go and let God," in some way, shape or form in the last 9 months. It's usually said with the best of intentions, but it's said often nonetheless. The truth is, I live a blessed life. A life where we are able to live on one income and I can stay home with our kids. I have been able to watch my kids grow before my eyes. I have seen all of their firsts. I have been able to care for them when they are not well. I have been able to fill our home with laughter and memories. However, things aren't easy. Financially we planned for me to work. I planned to build my business after Reia was born so I could pursue my passions while helping to supplement income for our growing family. I planned to be the easy going mom who didn't bat an eye about taking weekend trips away to focus on my marriage. I was going to be a fast food mom. I was going to be the non-organic-it's-ok mom. I was going to be the chill mom... The spontaneous plans mom.
I was.
Plans didn't change suddenly. In fact, it took me months to realize that I was no longer just "delaying my plans, again" I was rewriting them. That's not a lack of faith, friends, that's life. God is no less faithful in my life because life is not going smoothly. I am not ungrateful by acknowledging this... I have prayed in faith that Reia would have better health. I have prayed in faith that we would experience more freedom as a family. But when Reia turned 9 months old I made a decision to acknowledge the ways our story has been rewritten. Up to this point I prayed in faith that God would allow her poor immunity to improve, that he would allow us to travel to see friends and family, that he would allow me to work, that we wouldn't spend so much on Doctor's appointments, that I would have time to be able to care for myself better.
I still believe that God is able to do these things. I believe that we are growing closer to God, each other and our church family during this experience. But I also believe that God doesn't make mistakes. What has changed, essentially, is that I trust that He doesn't want me to work right now. I trust that he will provide for us financially, somehow, but it won't be through me. I trust that Reia has a long road ahead of her and it will need my full attention at times. I trust that most people have no idea how overwhelming and confusing these 9 months have been, but that doesn't mean they dont sympathize. I am confident that just because someone thinks I am not trusting God, that doesn't mean they're right. I trust that my struggles, your struggles and "their" struggles are all struggles... And we can support each other without comparing them. I trust that we have humbly sought help and assistance from every side. I trust that we are making the wisest choices we can on our budget. I trust that I have taken a challenging year and made incredible memories for my family to look back on, in spite of our struggles. I trust that God's assignment for me this year is to fight, but fighting for my family looks different everyday. Sometimes fighting means we make it to bed time without raising our voices with each other. Sometimes fighting means we forgive each other's exhausted messy feelings. Sometimes fighting means pushing for more bloodwork and tests to determine what is ailing my baby. Sometimes trusting means listening to our Doctor and missing out on activities for weeks at a time. Sometimes fighting means we choose to silence satan's lies that threaten to steal our joy, harmony or confidence. Sometimes fighting means allowing myself to grieve the changes we have experienced so that we leave no room for even an ounce of resentment.
Faith is a living organism, folks. It is the dark we shoot into. It is what fills our hands when we decide to let go. If it doesn't bring you to tears, to your knees, or to the edge of all you know... Is it really faith?
“Now faith is the reality of what is hoped for, the proof of what is not seen.”
Hebrews 11:1 HCSB
Hebrews 11 goes on and on about how believers did things by faith... By faith, by faith, by faith... And in the end, all of them were "approved" by their faith, but none of them saw what was promised. We may see easier days in this lifetime. In fact, I'm sure we will! But none of it is our final destination. This place in all of it's imperfection does not appeal to me when I remember the glory ahead of us. The many things I wish we could do... It's all less shiny in comparison. For now I choose faith. For now I wait to see if I am being called to action, or called to be still. I trust that it will make sense someday. I trust that none of our struggle is in vain.
