Parenthood And Stress: It's Time To Talk About It
First, let me say, I'm writing this post as a reminder for myself, as much as I hope it can be a resource for you. Stress happens, parenthood is no exception... and how our bodies react when under stress is God's gift to us. Seriously.
Let's talk about what stress is on a biological level. The Mayo Clinic breaks stress down into two categories: there is acute stress and chronic stress.
Acute stress is more commonly known as the fight or flight response (more recently studies have also shown that many people "freeze" as well.) This is what you experience when you come across a perceived threat or are startled. Chronic stress is what occurs when acute stressors linger. An acutely stressful day at work is differently than a chronically stressful workplace. An acutely stressful day as a mother is different than a chronically stressful season. See the difference?
Let's talk about parenthood and how it fits in with all of this. How many of you would agree that parenthood is an incredible addition to your life? I'm sure that's a pretty common thing we have in common. We love our kids, they are pretty fantastic gifts from God. Did you know that parenthood comes with stressors that we are biologically programmed to respond to? This is where many tired parents may feel conflicted and struggle to juggle the polarized emotions they feel toward their role as mom or dad. STRESS. Underneath the various emotional words we may use to describe how we feel, we are experiencing fluctuations of hormones. A physiological response to life. This is how our bodies communicate with us. It's a gift from God, truly.
So what kinds of acute stress triggers might a parent come across? While you're thinking about that, I will offer a few ideas...
•screaming
•unpredictable disruptions in sleep
•disruptions in your schedule
•incidents, like being bit
•misplacing a child
•running behind for events
•minor injuries of a child
•a child disagreeing with you
•uncovering a major mess
•car trouble
You feel me? These are normal. Stressors like these kind of just come with the gig, and I'm sure you can help me make this list longer. They are acute, stress that doesn't linger... the kind of stress that is pretty easy to walk off. In fact, you probably do it subconsciously more often than you do it consciously. We are biologically wired to respond to stress with a fight or flight reflex, that's how we get stuff done! That's how we shift gears and protect our young from threats, how we muster up the energy to feed a newborn at all hours of the night, how we automatically prioritize and take care of pressing needs first. Stress is a biological kick in the pants.
What about chronic stress? Maybe you're like me and you're coming to grips with the fact that your family is experiencing an abnormal amount of stress, which means an abnormal amount of mindfulness is needed to "handle" things. So what kinds of things would fall under the category of chronic stress?
•infant colic
•chronic illness in the family
•developmental delays
•finances
•relationship stress
•infidelity of spouse/significant other
•bad work environment
•death in the family
•mental health struggles
•faith crisis
Whew... that list is a little heavier, isn't it. Chronic stress is not just one moment of a child screaming, it builds up from being overexposed to screaming. Using this as an example, I'll elaborate. We are never powerless to our emotions, unless we give our power away. We DO have a say in how we handle these things. That's actually a sneaky benefit of chronic stress, we know it's coming... we can be proactive. But we can only do something about it if we are willing to acknowledge how it effects us. I can only get the break I need from a colic/all day screaming baby if I am willing to make it a priority to take a break. That's the thing with chronic stress, we cannot be naive. It's demanding, it's disruptive... and it will continually suck us dry. Perseverance and a little positivity may help with acute stress, but it will not help you endure chronic stress. (Self love and a moment in the hallway will.) It doesn't require a luxurious cruise to the Bahamas (but I mean, that certainly couldn't hurt, right?) It requires discipline and a realistic outlook.
You can choose to be positive, but you must first choose to say no to stress. I don't mean "Peace out chronic stress, I quit!" It would be great if life worked that way, but it doesn't always. You may be able to quit your job, but quitting a stressful marriage would be a whole different ballpark. You may be able to resolve your faith dilemma with help from a mentor, but a child with developmental delays is going to hang around. So how do we say "no?" Sometimes the best way to say no to a chronically stressful situation is actually to just say "not right now."
Saying no for 5 minutes in the hallway is better than being ugly for 5+ minutes to your family (and the fallout that occurs). When I am drained and I feel fight or flight coming on, I am officially of more use to my family if I leave the room, than if I try to persevere. But if you leave the room, be prepared to come back ready to be present. A "break" is not just for you, it's for your family; better is five minutes of mindfulness, than five minutes of mindlessness. Doing things like breathing techniques, yoga, speaking self affirmations, getting fresh air, sitting down/standing up, laying down and closing your eyes, spell your name out loud, etc... the objective of a 'break' is to disrupt the stress sequence. The biological part that makes it "chronic." Momentarily telling your body "there is no threat here, you can relax." This tool only works if you will, in fact, acknowledge that your body has identified a threat to begin with.
So what happens when we don't listen to our bodies? This is my favorite part to discuss... that sounds so sadistic, right? It's truly fascinating to me, because being gut level honest about this stuff has opened my eyes to a world of grace that I so desperately needed. When I ignore the biological signals my body is sending, like...
•heart racing
•sweaty palms
•hyper vigilance
•reactive language
•clumsiness
•insomnia
•weight loss/gain
•low libido
•stomach aches
When I ignore those things... it escalates. It means a bad day with no sleep, evolves into a bad week between me and my spouse... the core problem has nothing to do with my husband, but my irritability and hyper vigilance (due to stressors) is causing me to treat him poorly; this leads to misunderstandings and more stress and more hyper vigilance, etc... Do you see where I am going with this? The biological signals you are experiencing may be saying "RUN!" but they are there to tell you you need a break. Not everyone can relate. The reason for that is because we all process stress differently. A screaming baby doesn't stress Jane the same way it does me. Vomit doesn't effect me as much as it effects my sympathy-vomiter-husband. Scary movies do not effect my husband as much as they effect my toddler.
We sometimes cover this all with a magic marker and diminish the "weaker" person's feelings... but it's the same amount of work either way. Just because a person CAN handle vomit differently than Jason does, doesn't mean he will eventually have as much tolerance as I do for it. Just because Jane handles screaming differently than I do, doesn't mean I will eventually be unmoved when surrounded by babies who are screaming. Like nails on a chalk board, some things are just acute triggers... and it's ok that they are. God built that reflex in for a reason. If you really try to, you can reduce or eliminate acute stressors, but to do so takes patience. The aim is not to quit listening to your body, the aim is to communicate with your body. You may know something intellectually, but your reflexes disagree. Naturally, I know my babies aren't threats to me. So WHEN I am feeling overwhelmed by the crying, I don't tell myself to toughen up, I lovingly step away for a moment and return. I do this as much as I need to until they stop. I pray for relief around screaming babies about as much as I pray for my baby to have relief. Sometimes God doesn't remove the "thorn" or our struggle, instead he gives you an opportunity to grow in discipline, like with the tools I mentioned earlier.
My youngest has chronic health issues. She has had colic behavior since she was born, and she is currently one year old. She is easier to reason with now, able to communicate her needs... but she has many reasons to feel discomfort and many reasons to cry. Even with all of that knowledge, it's like nails on a chalk board when she screams. I have made major progress, I am able to hold space with her when she is sick and clingy and fussy, but I still need mindfulness breaks. I still need to take five minutes and tell my body that we are safe. When I have a disagreement with my husband, I remind myself that it's OK to somehow articulate that I feel stressed and need five minutes of mindfulness. Even in a healthy marriage, there can be stress... and that stress compounds and increases as the family grows. So what you choose to DO with your stress is where the real power lies. Do not give that power away; If you aren't keeping your emotions in check, who is?
How are you doing? Have any light bulbs gone off while reading this? Have you begun to realize how small, acute stressors can snow ball into chronic stress? I want to hear from you!
