Winds of Change

Who else has days where every little thing makes you feel poetic? With the fall weather settling in and the winds of change are literally blowing 40mph down the street right now, It just feels like such a cozy day! Turning off lights and TVs, I can smell my pot of coffee, I'm contemplating making potato soup, our cloth diaper laundry is drying, both of my kids are sleeping... this moment feels frozen and all I can hear is the wind busily blowing through the trees outside and my fingers as they hit the keys on the keyboard.

Life is beautiful, isn't it?

I married the love of my life just over 3 years ago. It's funny, I love this time of year. It was this time of year that he and I really began to connect and fall in love. So much life has come and gone since then. When we were early in our relationship I attended an emotional growth program called Pathways, during the 4 months that I was in this program I also underwent an abdominal surgery to treat my Endometriosis. Just a couple of weeks after my surgery, Jason proposed to me while I had strep throat. Our fairy tale together seems to be watermarked by real life in such a poetic way. We have both lost grand parents, changed jobs, become home owners... We have seen dark days individually and together... at times it seems that the only thing that comes easily for us is laughter... and I thank God often for that amazing staple in our life together. We're opposites in many ways, but those differences keep us honest and genuine.

On August 4th, 2013, I gave birth to a fire cracker. Gemma. She is so full of life. With my history of Endo, I told Jason early in our relationship that I didn't know what my fertility would look like. I robbed myself of quite a bit of day-dreaming-joy by assuming the worst. Endometriosis caused a lot of pain and stress for us and Jason was held captive by it as well. It was paralyzing. All was on hold when my pain episodes would begin. The surgery I mentioned earlier was an incredible relief for me physically, and for us together in our relationship. Now, two babies and 3 years of marriage later, I can see God has been such an incredible craftsman in my life.

I don't consider myself blessed BECAUSE of what he has done or what he has given me... no, I was blessed long before all of that. I am blessed because I have never been alone. The winds of change has blown rather steadily through my life. Missing my siblings is the closest I can relate to feeling "home sick"... because I have moved so many times that no one place truly stands out in my mind. I miss my family all the time. I miss being face to face, I miss their hugs, I miss watching movies together, I miss driving around with my sisters, I miss laughing so hard I pee myself. I miss playing spoons and speed, I miss sleeping in the same bedroom on Christmas Eve. I miss our pointless debates and arguments...YES. I miss those things. But I have never once missed God. I get cold chills as I type this out. He has never changed. He has never been far off. He has never called me names. He has never been too far away when I needed comfort. He has never missed a holiday. He never changes. He doesn't move our of state. He's with me. My fairy tale relationship with God is also watermarked with real life. I have been angry, I have be flaky, I have been childish. I have aimlessly sought to find self worth outside of His arms...but none of those things have ever threatened to take Him away from me. HE. IS. STEADFAST.

I frequently feel lost. Like everyone else has a script and I don't know my lines... but He helps me navigate life. Learning to appreciate life's watermarks can be hard sometimes, and the winds of change can be wild and scary... but i'm captivated by it.

Would you be swept away?

Off your feet?

No road map?

Gone with the breeze?

Would you be swept away?

Into a fairy tale?

Where gravity is gone

Where you cannot fail?

Would you risk it all?

Would you let this go?

Can you silence your fears?

Can you forget what you know?

Would you stake your life

Your comfort

Your joy

On the here and now?

Are you happy enough to keep what you've found?

Or are you like me?

You're somewhere in between...

Happy, but sad.

Observing the breeze...

Would you be swept away and be free?