Stop Calling My Birth Easy

Stop calling my birth easy.

There. I said it. If I am being honest, which clearly I am in that kind of mood, the words "birth" and "easy" do not belong in the same sentence. "Easy" and "kids" don't belong in the same sentence either. Stop calling it easy!

But let's rewind. If all that you knew about my birth is how long my labor lasted, or that I gave birth at home, you may be hearing potato when I'm not even talking about veggies... Do you feel me? We announce these stats like they can truly give a realistic image into birth. When we share a baby's size, are we assessing how hard it may have been to birth said child? Are we wondering how healthy that child is? I must say I'm not entirely sure.

My active labor was 2hours long... I always feel inclined to add a *BUT*. "But I had prodromal labor for a month." Like, it wasn't as easy as it sounds. A mother undergoes a c section, which to some implies that she didn't get the "full birth experience" (yes I have heard someone say that.) But guess what? Many women who undergo a c section actually labor for quite a while before a surgical route is suggested. Even if they never felt a single contraction, I'm pretty sure it's no picnic to recover from abdominal surgery while caring for you family. In contrast, I cannot imagine what it's like to be in active labor for days, but I DO know that growing and delivering little humans is exhausting!

Why is there so much judging? You'd think there is a birth olympics medal ceremony somewhere: "Sorry, you were docked points for a short labor, but it looks like you made up for it by giving birth at home... That's pretty brave, so I'm gonna give you an 8 out of 10 overall." What is this!? We are systematically undercutting the bravery and vulnerability that EVERY BIRTHING MOTHER endures when they bring a helpless child into this world.

While we're at it, let's go a step further... Say you AREN'T the woman who birthed your children. Oh, well... We don't even have a yard stick to tell how much of a badass you are, how will you ever have a leg to stand on as a mother. (sarcasm of course.) If we stand around lording over new moms, "Wait until you've gone weeks without sleep- wait until terrible twos- wait until you have MULTIPLE kids..." We will only perpetuate the Parenthood Hunger Games. Does it sounid crazy yet? Do I sound crazy yet?

The measure of a woman, the measure of a mother... It's not calculable based on a few stats. My birth was beautiful, and it took me months to prepare for it. Literally months of doing squats and stretches and meditations, because that's how I chose to treat my body. Choosing to breastfeed was incredibly hard, not a moment has been easy. But you know what? Mixing formula for a little one isn't without its challenges, I've done it as a foster momma. Baby wearing vs strollers, vaccinations vs non-vaccination, medicated vs natural, cry it out vs attachment parenting... The motherhood Olympic events go on and on. Many seem to be under the impression that these are opposing teams, not choices. Unfortunately, the peanut gallery isn't present in your home to help support these various events, they just sit back and inform you how to parent.



We each start off clueless. There comes a day when you are handed a helpless human being and in that moment you get to assume responsibility. How you got there might look worlds different from how I got there... And where you go from there might look worlds different than where I am going. You wanna know why? Because our helpless new babies don't know there is a core belief system and lifestyle waiting for them. My girls didn't know they were being born into a Christian, attachment parenting, hippy house... My oldest didn't know she was born with an epidural in a hospital. They don't know we had kids right away instead of waiting a few years. They don't know we are a "one car family," or that not all daddies have motorcycles. They don't know that some kids have more toys than them, or bigger houses than them... There are other ways to parent... Because we are entirely different people.

Struggling isn't the mark of poor parenting, it's proof that you are breathing. Constantly trying to one up your efforts, reading the latest parenting book, keeping up with the invisible standard --and I hear that soon I'll be faced with how to school my children *gasp*. Aiming to bear fruit is significantly more realistic than aiming to have a perfect garden. Guess what? Someone will always disagree with you. Birth, parenthood, relationships, adulthood-- it's all hard. I imagine this thing we call motherhood would feel like a safer place if we put down the score cards and approached our differences as teammates, instead of opponents.

I Am Capable

I have caught myself with a pit in my stomach and a tightness in my chest all evening. This usually happens subconsciously when I mentally touch a "hot iron", which is what I call my anxiety triggers. Tonight it was a social trigger. So what do you do when your body says "man the battle stations!" (Fight or flight, yo) but you are a long ways past it mentally? You watch the Minions movie with your best friend and sip water. 

I've learned that my body's anxiety doesn't go away just because I want it to, it might not even go away when I'm done processing and the "threat" is gone. I have to metabolize the adrenaline and calm myself... And the less I try to ignore or minimize what my body is going through, the quicker it resolves itself. This goes for bad days and bad seasons. Whether it's bad enough that I make an appointment with my Doctor, or it's just a rough day and I go for my essential oils, there is a command center in my brain that knows to question what my anxiety tells me.

Anxiety isn't in charge. There certainly are days when my anxiety beats me up and it takes longer to recover... But if there's one thing I have learned in the last few years, it's that I am not who my anxiety would have me believe I am. 

I am capable of action. 

I am capable of processing. 

I am capable of doing new things. 

I am capable of recovering from a mistake. 

I am capable of choosing hope, rather than hopelessness. 

I am capable of doubting the lies my anxiety wants me to believe. 

I am capable of making plans and confidently following through. 

I am capable of confidently canceling plans when I need to focus on self care. 

I am capable of investing in peaceful activities that fill me up. 

I am capable of making a phone call to find support. 

I am capable of "naming it" and stripping anxiety of it's power to take over. 

I am capable of helping my children identify their big feelings and help them stand in their strength. 

I am capable of feeding myself well.

I am capable of giving myself grace.

I am capable of starting over tomorrow.

I am capable of making a life that honors Tab and the woman God made her to be, regardless of my physical and psychological speed bumps. 

The kind of mom I AM

The quiet was deafening, so I went to Gemma's bed. She slept in until 10am, people... I missed her. 

I opened her door and heard her stir. I tip toed... Her bed is covered with a tent, so I pulled back the sheet and she turned to me. "Gooo mornin!" She whispered. I excitedly hurried to her bed and plopped down. "Gemma! It's morning! I missed you! Good morning!" She giggled and blushed "Good morning momma, I love you!" We had a kiss fight, then hugged. 

I realized early on that Gemma is my morning person. She greets the day with a bang and loves to see the sun come up. I love being a part of her morning. I LOVE getting to sing "GOOD MORNING TO YOUUUUU!" As we walk to breakfast. 

She is a fire cracker full of life... I know she is a world changer, so I know I play an important part in helping her become who she was born to be. It's outside of my comfort zone, but oh how special it feels to brighten her world. 

I'm not the Pinterest mom who oozes sparkles and mod podge. I'm not super Green, I'm not stylish. I am not more or less than _____, those just aren't my gifts. 

What I am is Tab. I make ordinary things special. I mix and match socks, I hand my kids sheets of stickers and clean it up later. We finger paint, and play at the splash pad in our street clothes. I butcher songs and insert my kids' names. I celebrate milestones with cheers and tickle fights, even if all we accomplished was making it to our destination without throwing a fit. 

I bet I'm sounding like a good mom right about now, or maybe I just sound full of myself... But that's because I'm celebrating my strengths. My strengths are gifts to my kids, but so are my weaknesses. My lack organization makes things a little more exciting (funky sock combos). My lack of style means I stress less when my kid throws up on me. Physical touch isn't my primary love language, so the times I feel moved to initiate cuddles, it's special and memorable. I am introverted, that means I am not super great at anticipating Gemma's social needs, but I make our time at home magical because it's "my zone." 

We are all made up of give and take. Strengths and weaknesses. Pros and cons... But we can use all of them to our benefit, because we are each "enough mom" to go around. Our children weren't given to us at random. We were pre selected to raise our families. I don't know about you, but that's both the biggest compliment and the biggest challenge I have ever received, but I accept it either way.

Your Birth and Why I Offer So Many Options

"Your Birth and Why I Offer So Many Options"

What if I told you that you could prepare for your upcoming birth, IN your pajamas, using current, comprehensive, unbiased information? What if you could hand pick your class schedule with a certified, experienced and upbeat childbirth educator? What if I told you that this isn't crazy talk, it's real and it's available right now!?
 
Tab Moura Birth Services is now offering Online Interactive Childbirth Preparation courses! With flexible scheduling and payment plans available, I cannot imagine a more personalized experience! 
 
Class at home sounds great, but why should we pick Your Birth Experience?
Why choose Your Birth Experience? It's unbiased, meaning it tells it like it is. Are you planning for an epidural? C section? Natural hospital birth? Home birth? Birth Center? This curriculum presents the facts about childbirth, how your body works and prepares you for the unique birth experience awaiting you. We walk you through a vision building process to help you mentally prepare for any outcome, knowing that having a plan 'B', 'C', and even 'D' are sometimes necessary, but they don't have to define your experience. 

I have had a child before, how can YBE benefit me?
In short, YBE works for newbies AND veterans. Some parents enjoy having a refresher course. Others may plan to birth differently the second time; hearing the birth basics is a lot like birthing for the first time because your goals are different. Even if your plan is exactly the same as before, this curriculum can be utilized to help you have a more empowering or enjoyable experience the second time around.

Why create a birth plan? It's all out of my control anyway.
In a word? Preparation. Even if you agree entirely with the routine procedures your hospital uses, what is your plan B? Will you let them make those decisions as well? (what are those options anyway?) Then write it in your plan. Or do you want to know the options in advance so you can tailor your experience and confidently navigate your first "official" decisions as this child's parents? Whatever you choose, I guarantee you a nurse or Dr will ask you to make a decision at some point and labor is not a pleasant time to assess your options for the first time.
 
Is it time to contact me for a free consultation? I can meet in person, chat on the phone, FaceTime/Skype, or send information in the mail.

Why am I so flexible? Why is YBE so flexible? Because this experience is YOURS and we can't wait to begin preparing you for the birth experience you deserve!
Tab Moura Birth Services can be found on Facebook and online.,
Get to know Tab.

When we welcomed Reia

THE STORY:
I am what's considered a "survivor" when I gave birth (Book) I won't go into much detail about this, only to be vulnerable and explain that sexual trauma has influenced my journey as a mother in a profound way. My first birth was a difficult experience, followed by months of postpartum depression. The day we learned we were expecting our second child, I was honestly a bit anxious. However over time I sought support and committed to make this pregnancy the healthiest experience it could possibly be, physically and emotionally. I wanted to combat my fear of "what if?" and let's just say, I had an incredible pregnancy. We chose to birth at home, we found a great midwife Rebecca, I had a mother blessing, I invested in essential oils, I filled my life with great music... It was incredible.

Around 36-weeks I was swimming with my 41-weeks-pregnant sister and my 2 year old daughter, when my 2 year old decided to sprint around the pool toward the deep end. I instinctually pulled myself out of the pool to get to her, quickly realizing that I hyper extended my round ligaments while doing so. I began contracting. A warm bath and essential oils calmed things down, but from 36 weeks until 40 weeks, I suffered from prodromal labor due to ligaments that were hyperextended, a pubic bone that had shifted and my pelvis had tilted backward. I know this because I eventually saw Dr Zimmerman who specializes in prenatal chiropractic health. Thanks to her work, I found relief from my prodromal labor and was set up to have a healthy delivery! *i cannot imagine the labor/birth I would have had were it not for her expertise!*

The birth:

The night before my water broke we were with my parents and brother's family, grilling out. We decided to go for a walk after dinner and see if maybe we could get my 41-week-baby to commit and finally come on out. Nothing really happened that night, I noticed my contractions were evenly spaced, 15 mins apart, but that wasn't close enough to alert everyone around me. We went home, I mentioned to Jason that i could tell these were real contractions, but we were a long way from true labor. He nodded politely, knowing my oldest child sent very similar contractions for a whole 24 hrs before she was born. He was cool and collected, knowing I would keep up my over-sharing and he wouldn't miss a thing.
The next morning I was up, sent Jason off to work his half-day shift, Gemma was up with the sun and wanted to play. I did laundry, made a pizza, colored and cleaned... Around 11am I told Jason "We are definitely having a baby today... No rush, just prepare yourself... I'm still not telling our parents yet in case I'm wrong." (I was 41 weeks pregnant, he knew the drill, I told him everything... So these frequent updates were just for my peace of mind and he knew it, bless my heart.)

Around noon my dad called, just wanting to chat... I thought to myself "oh no... I don't remember how to have small talk!" I tried to hold a conversation during a few contractions, but I just couldn't stay focused, so I wrapped it up and went back to eating my pizza *mmmm*. Jason got home between 12:30 and 1, I was happy to see him, we needed to get the birth stuff together! By this time I was contracting every 7-10mins.

I had meditated for 9 months on a water birth, using the song Oceans by Hillsong United (Song). We decorated the nursery with an ocean theme, It was amazing and very effective. My oldest, Gemma wouldn't nap in her bed that day, so we cuddled on the couch and we both fell asleep. This was an incredibly rare occurrence, so I was once again affirmed that this was true labor, as a calming gravity seemed to draw Jason, Gemma and I together.

Around 4pm I felt a contraction and a pop, as the baby dropped lower. I noticed a little extra fluid, but It didn't even fill my pad, so I wasn't confident that my water had broken.  I messaged my midwives to get their opinion, they had me take an amnio test from my birth kit to see if my water had broken. Yep! Tested positive! Turns out not everyone's water breaks in a giant gush! I went back to resting on the couch, I nursed Gemma through one contraction, knowing we would have my parents come get her soon. Breastfeeding triggered very strong contractions so I messaged for my parents to come pick her up ASAP. While waiting for them I slowly walked and grabbed some items Gemma would need for her FIRST sleep over (ever). I was growing emotional, wishing I could prepare her better, but I was quite distracted by the contractions at this point. Jason was still playing XBox when they arrived to pick her up around 4:30pm. We both expected this to be like my first birth, at this rate we have 12 more hours... So not in a hurry. I hadn't updated him in about 20 minutes, so he had no clue that things were serious enough that I had asked my parents to come.

(This is a nice place to explain that the cervix isn't a crystal ball, things can change quickly In labor, no two births are a like, etc...)

I felt most comfortable in the bathroom sitting on the toilet, so I stayed in there for a while by myself. I felt that things were getting serious so I messaged my midwives around 5pm, telling them it was time to come for support and delivery. I then moved to kneeling at my bed.

I just have to say, I am extremely proud of myself and my focus through some pretty intense and quick contractions. I breathed into my contractions and relaxed various parts of my body as I envisioned melting through the floor. As a birth Doula myself, I "doula'd" myself and tried to identify how far I had to go between my contractions, an effort to conserve my energy. In the midst of each contraction my heart was fully present to "open" and welcome our little one. As things intensified I began chanting OPEN.

Around 5:30pm my first midwife arrived and began monitoring baby and helping me breathe through contractions. Jason was on the phone with my sister in law/ photographer, trying to discuss with ME if I felt this was baby time. I couldn't answer, so my midwife politely told him "she's getting pretty serious, I would have her head this way." Between 5:30 and 6pm, two other midwives arrived and began inflating our birth tub immediately. I tried side lying for a few moments. They were about to check my cervix for dilation around 6pm, but the baby wouldn't have it so I asked for help to go to the bathroom to pee (yes, you heard me, not poop, PEE.) 

On my way from my bed to the bathroom (4 feet away) I began feeling the urge to push. They encouraged me to try and wait (you know, so they could stop trying to set up the birth tub and put a tarp down to deliver a baby in my bed room instead!) But I couldn't. This was just after 6pm, my photographer came in at this point. While holding on around Jason's neck, I stood in my half bathroom and delivered our daughter, catching her myself. I am very thankful I made it to the tile, because as it turns out, about 90% of my amniotic fluid was still in my uterus at the time that I delivered my daughter, making quite a splash as she came out! It was such a whirlwind, such a beautiful, heavenly whirlwind. I didn't get the water birth I had dreamed of and prepared for, but because my focus was on my meditation, rather than the details, my experience was perfect. It was empowering and messy and memorable and exciting and profoundly healing.

Reia Kaye Cordelia made her appearance at 41 weeks and 1 day. Arriving at 6:14pm on August 14th, weighing 9lbs and 21 3/4" long. I was officially in active labor for 2 hours and 14 minutes and loved every minute of it. To read my about my journey during my pregnancy meditations on Oceans, visit my blog

Photos by Angelyn Moura Photography @ http://angelynmouraphotography.com/photographer/

This is for the Moms (We need to stick together)

I am a mother. While this does not tell you everything that I am, I feel that it does elude to quite a bit. Today, as I survey my messy home and as I reflect on how super awesome Walmart Grocery Pick Up is... I thought of these three simple ways that all of you moms out there understand me. When I begin to feel overwhelmed... You help me remember I am not alone. We need to stick together!

We change diapers

•This is literally the first thing I imagine when I consider motherhood. I automatically can assume that the other mothers in my life have changed diapers or have potty trained their children. This is the first tool in my self-love arsenal. When I feel tempted to compare myself to other mothers, I am instantly humbled by the fact that we all handle poop... We all deserve a medal (and a nice Jacuzzi bath.)

We wash laundry... And eventually put it away

•There is a quote by Thema Davis that I have heard before, "Saying yes to happiness means learning to say "no" to things that stress you out." Yes, chores stress me out, but obviously someone needs to do them, right? So this quote isn't saying "GOODBYE RESPONSIBILITY!" Rather, it just means that each of us are also raising little people with needs (and they are freaking adorable most of the time) so we have to prioritize. We all have to do this. Sometimes we choose stress, sometimes we choose happiness... But don't worry, we all do it. We all have this in common, no matter how picture perfect we seem on Facebook.

We play

•If you have children, you probably have played make believe of some kind. Maybe your kids are like my oldest, she wants to be a Train. Not an Engineer, an actual Train. I support this. Her vibrant imagination is so sweet and full of life. Because we play, we are all a part of who our children believe they can become. The sky is the limit. When we get caught up in the routine and chaos that our days hold, we sometimes lose sight of this. We are raising Doctors, Engineers, Nurses, Politicians... They may be business owners, bosses, subordinates... Not only are we raising who they will become, but we are raising them to believe in those around them as well. Leaders and Followers. We need both. We get to let them lead, showing them how to follow. 

Do you need a healthy dose of self love? My love language is affirmation, so basically I can dish it out all day long. Leave me a message! I would love to chat. You are not alone in this big, crazy role... I'm standing with you.

What are other basic ways we can all relate as mothers? Leave your comments!

War Room in the real world

I finally watched War Room. What a beautiful, captivating testament of Faith! If you know me, you know that movies like this feed my soul. I thrive on healing and restoration. I think what I am meditating on most is what I read between the lines. I came away with three questions (so far):

•Do we notice when those around us are in spiritual distress?

When Miss Clara first hears Elizabeth express her spiritual life as "lukewarm," Clara immediately recognized that God was providing an opportunity for her. 

•Do we invite our brothers and sisters in Christ to fight, with our families, in prayer?

Miss Clara prayed, hoping she hadn't "pushed too hard" with Elizabeth. But the truth is, Elizabeth had to allow God room to work in her heart. Those around us are human, but they have hearts that desire closeness with God as well. We can only choose to be open, to be vulnerable and to trust that God is using the "Miss Claras" in our lives.

•Are we confident enough to lead with faith?

Are you willing to be a Miss Clara for someone else? Do you accept that the only real answer you need in order to lead is "Jesus?" It doesn't take decades of study...  You don't have to be perfect, you just have to accept God's grace.

I'm including my favorite scene from the movie. Whatever we do, we owe it to ourselves to be hot or cold, not in between. We will miss out if we do not choose step out on faith! 

Charcoal Brownies and Grace

Based on the title alone, you're probably eager to hear what I have to say. If I am being truly transparent, I am eager to hear what else God has to say to me on this topic as well.

GRACE.

I live a rather minimalist life. As far as it depends on me, I try to scale back and really un complicate my life, home and schedule as much as I can. It's just more manageable that way. It keeps my introvert battery from reaching 'E'. It has been this way for as long as I can remember! As a child I begged my mom for alone time (since i didn't have my own room, this had to be sanctioned). It wasn't personal. It wasn't selfish... It was introversion. Our needs are quite personal when we are drained. Be it quiet, a hobby or just an empty room... We need space.

I learned a long time ago that I want to give my family good things. I want to be able to play my part. I want to love them in word AND in deed. So I make my quiet time a priority. I have learned that I cannot short cut that quality time...why? Ah yes. That's what it is. Alone time is my heart's way of receiving my love language... Self love is so vital. If I don't actively give myself LOVE... Then exactly what is it that I am giving them?

This brings to me to today's title:

Charcoal Brownies and Grace.

Yesterday I had a God moment. The day before, I ordered groceries online and arranged to pick them up before lunch the following day. I know our schedule, so I timed it perfectly. But I had forgotten my wallet at my in law's house, so I stopped there first. Upon arriving I learned that their plans were evolving, so free time had come up and they expressed willingness to watch the girls while I run over to the store. I paused thinking, Well, I ordered the groceries online... So it's really just THERE AND BACK, but 30 minutes alone sounds great! So I chugged my coffee and took off. Upon picking up the groceries, I began chatting  with the woman helping me load them. She was so sweet and kind. Obviously a mom (you can always hear it in their voices.) She could tell we had kids by what I purchased, but saw that I was alone. I joked, Here I planned my whole day around making things simple and smooth with my girls... And now I have this spontaneous time alone! Too bad I already said I would be right back! This woman, no more than 45, looked at me as if we were old friends and said, Don't go get them. Just don't. Take care of yourself. They are happy, healthy and safe. Don't go get them. I smiled and realized why I felt such a connection with her... She was being Jesus to me. So I called my mother in law, she was happy to keep them longer.

Fast forward. Jason and I communicated well. I made my needs known. We had a friend over that evening. I cooked our favorite meal, the house was in it's normal condition. Nothing extraordinary was happening. We finished our evening, our friend went home... Crap! I thought. I forgot to make brownies for Jason's work party. Offering to make brownies was really the sneakiest thing I could have done. You see, I make brownies way more often than I would like to admit. Let's just say we are wealthy with brownies. I could make them in my sleep--- Or so I thought. I put the brownie dough in the pan, preheated the oven and set a timer. Jason asked if I would cuddle with him for a bit, so we weighed our options and I chose to step away from the kitchen. As you can probably assume, I never heard the timer go off. Not because the sound doesn't carry to our room (a factor I had considered before stepping away). No, the reason I didn't hear it is because I fell asleep. I didn't foresee this happening because over the last 4 months I have been getting my alone time at night once everyone falls asleep. I was physically unable to sleep until I had that quiet time. This day was different. This day God gave me grace. He surprised me with an outting alone. He filled Gemma's extrovert batteries AND my introvert batteries at the same time. I fell asleep so naturally because I felt peaceful. 

I have been asking myself for 24 hrs now... WHY?? Why give me such a gift, why demonstrate such grace at the grocery store... If I was just going to go home and screw it up? 

A beautiful friend of mine asked me this morning "Are you surrendering to this season?" Meaning... Our kids are little for such a short time... Am I rushing? Am I expecting too much of myself? I laughed, not yet fully grasping the question: "I chose BROWNIES! Three ingredients and POOF. I chose these over making Gumbo, or chicken noodle... I am choosing easy, simple... I'm not overextending myself. Should I just quit? Should I not even do the little things for Jason?" I didn't have an answer. All I could figure is that this is unnatural. A mother cannot seriously do much less than what I have been doing. I watch kiddie shows. My 2 year old has an iPod for when I need a break. My house is minimal to reduce chores. We don't eat fancy. My 4 month old rarely wears clothes. Laundry sits in piles for days and it doesn't bother me. Where am i doing too much? What corner should I cut next? Should I hide from my kids more often? Pinterest projects are way off my radar these days. Target is my idea of a vacation. 

Tonight, laying in bed, it finally hit me. God offers grace. He gives peace. He gives second chances. He gives hope. So I had to ask myself... If there is nothing "frivolous" left to cut out, maybe it's not God who is trying to get my attention. Maybe it's Satan? YIKES. If you knew the names I have called myself today, you would be surprised it took me so long to realize this. The brownies baked for 3.5 hrs. They were black and half of our home was in smoke when I woke up. What woke me up? Not the smoke. Not the timer. Not even a smoke detector. Nope... It was Reia. GRACE. God gives grace. You see, Reia could have slept another 2 hrs. That would be her normal sleep at that time of night. But  coincidentally she just began 4 month old sleep regression. Are you realizing the same thing I just realized? He gives and takes away! God only gives good gifts. Had there been a house fire, we wouldn't have been warned by our smoke detectors. What a grace from God. Now we can replace the batteries. 

I cannot do less, all of the frivolous corners have been cut... But I CAN accept more grace. I really messed up. I am a tired mom who is just trying to imitate my Heavenly Father and give my family good things. I fell short this time, but one thing is for sure... I will treasure these two great lessons I learned about grace. By remembering these things, I will remember God's grace and dismiss Satan's accusations. You cannot give what you do not have: That applies to both grace AND the accusations. 

“What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!””

Luke 11:11-13 ESV

Simply Hard

There were a few days recently where I was just utterly drained. Depleted. Empty. You get the picture. It's not a place that I'm unfamiliar with... I am a parent of two kids, 2 years old and under. It happens even when we try to combat it. Why? Let's talk about that.

One of those days went like this: We were staying in a hotel. Jason wouldn't come back to us until we were ready to return home that evening. It wasn't a first. It's been done before. It's doable.

But we had been staying in a hotel. 

"Not a problem. I prepared for this:

Tablet, check. 

Snacks, check.

Diapers, check.

Head Phones, check.

Chargers, check.

Favorite Toys, check.

Emergency Clothing Changes, check.

Homeopathics, check.

Easy Out-of-hotel plans, check..."

You get the picture.

I have done this before. 

Motherhood is by no means something I believe can be mastered. The moment you think you've "got this" you wake up from an accidental nap to find your daughter's blankie in the toilet and the bathroom trash's contents across the floor... Not that that has ever happened *wink wink*.

So I was prepared to not be prepared... this wasn't the hunger games, I knew we would survive it.

So we took it easy. Before Jason left I packed up the big stuff in the hotel room, Jason carried those things to the car. We went to the lobby (without him), ate breakfast... I had Reia in my Tula baby carrier, Gemma sat in a large backed chair eating an apple while I ordered my coffee. 

I've got this! ---CRAP! I know better than to say that!

Not long after this I realized I needed to take our "party" to the car... Gemma was running from me every chance she got. Her apple had hit the floor a few times at this point. Reia was becoming upset and wanted to eat. Gemma, who has had seasonal allergies lately, begins coughing. And coughing. And coughing. No big deal. This is basic mom-gig stuff. I can secure Gemma in the car, lather oils on her and play her favorite song while I nurse. See? I had a plan. 

Apparently I should have conferenced with my kids about this plan first. By the time we reached the car, the wifi was poor, requiring data that we couldn't spare. I turned up the Christmas music on the radio and nursed Reia. Gemma, however, wasn't interested in oils. So I did what any mother would do... what was best for her! While nursing Reia I reached back with a roller ball of oil in my right hand and rolled it on whatever skin I could reach! No biggie. She is loud and upset, but once those oils kick in she'll calm down. But the oils didn't give her relief, nor did it calm her. This too has happened before. All of these things! 

You're beginning to get the idea, right? From the parking lot, to missing daddy, to navigating traffic with out-of-date GPS, to feeding a picky eater in a restaurant, etc... It's been done before. I already had these mom-merit-badges. So what was different? Was anything different? It's so obvious looking back. It was all of these little things TOGETHER. I was prepared for all of these things... but I wasn't prepared for them to be piggy backing each other. That had never happened before. I assumed some things would just go smoothly. 

Surely something will be low maintenance and I can relax while we're on this trip.

But the truth is and the reality of life is... sometimes it's completely up to my Maker to get me through! Nothing on earth can match His insurance policy.

FAITH.

These small, unfortunate struggles during our day kept piling on. The phrase "The straw that broke the camel's back" comes to mind. Sometimes it's just a mountain of straw on our backs! That day wasn't hard because anyone was lazy, difficult or particularly challenging... It wasn't hard because our plans were complicated or advanced. Sometimes it's just hard because there's no way around it! I received just enough self-care. Just enough to make it from sun up to sun down. You know what this reminds me of?

"I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions." Exodus 16:4

I won't pretend to know the upper-story here. I don't know if God had a specific lesson in mind, if the devil was attacking, or if I just should have done things differently. That's behind us... so the question is, what value do I take from this? 

I had just enough. When Jason returned that evening, the girls were happy to see him. (As was I!) But my resources were tapped. I was running on empty after a job well done. God sent his manna, it was just enough for my day. Was I paying attention? Was I satisfied? Were we sustained? 

And what about all that straw? The straw slowly blew away with time. Jason, one of God's enormous gifts to me, was the breeze that God used to take it away. Thank you, Lord for a kindhearted husband and father who lightened that load and gave me rest. 

Even when life is simply hard, He always gives just enough... 

Thankful For

I am writing this while refereeing a "time-in." Gemma has lost her mind, ugly crying with snot running off her face like lava... I think to myself. I love this. I love them. Hey, I'm not being facetious. These snot buckets and poo butts are a daily blessing to me. Because as Gemma melts down and bawls her eyes out right now, I am her calm. I get to hold my peace and help her find north when she is ready to relax again. So while she melts down, I thought it fitting to journal what I am thankful for:

1. Gemma. 

She is a fire cracker. She is spirit and fire. She is tenderness and affection. She adores her bible and her sister and cares for them deeply. She loves big. Fits big. Plays big. Lives big. Gemma is a whole lot of kid in a little body, and I am so excited to watch who she becomes every day. 

2. Reia.

She is a ball of fun. Reia has a magnetic smile that could power half of Europe. She is hope and sweetness. I like to say she was created to cuddle. Her precious head full of hair is just further proof that God intended for her to be born at 41-weeks-of-perfection. 

3. Jason. 

I don't know how we ever get anything done before noon. We are both night time people, but you rise every week-day and work hard for us. You would work hard even if I didn't stay home with our girls -even if you were single. Why? Because you are a hard worker. You do what you're passionate about and it shows. I am thankful that you work hard for yourself AND for us.

4. Our families

We come from very different cultures, but one major thing we have in common: love. Our families know how to love big. No holding back. Unconditional. Here-let-me-help-you-with-that love! I am so thankful for this.

5. My faith

I am thankful for my faith. My faith in my Creator. It has been what helps me stay centered my entire life. But I am also thankful for my faith in humanity. In people. I am thankful that I don't draw lines in the sand. I am thankful that I respect differences. I am thankful that I assume there are misunderstandings. I am thankful that my faith in God helps me to extend genuine grace even when there WASN'T a misunderstanding (when people really have been sour.) Because God has done the same for me. I am thankful that I believe in YOU enough to tell my story, my truth, without fear. I am thankful that I have faith in WHO I was created to be and that I recognize that there is no ceiling on who I can become, and I believe the same is true for you. 

What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?

Not Good Enough

Over the last few months I've been learning the ropes of raising two highly affectionate little girls. My oldest's name is Gemma. She was born on the anniversary of our wedding ceremony and in all of her extroverted goodness, has been "stealing the show" ever since. My youngest, Reia, is just now 3 months old. As a former foster family we aren't strangers to having a fourth body in our home... but those other babies weren't breast fed or co-sleeping, so this little one has had a few tricks up her sleeve that are new to us.

My girls are the most enormous gift I can imagine. I frequently just stand in awe and admiration of God's skill and generosity. I also frequently feel that I've screwed up. I miss the mark. I under appreciate them or behave in a way that will undoubtedly scar their memories of me...

I am not good enough. 

When noon rolls around... "Nap time!" but two diapers need changed (because oh yeah, I haven't managed to potty train my toddler yet) and one needs nursed, the other needs her chicken nuggets reheated... I situate the toddler with edible chicken, grab a cup of water and make my way to the couch to finally nurse the fussing 3 mo and I hear a sippy-cup hit the floor. I sit down on the couch and begin nursing anyway, after all, "natural consequences teach kids about real life..." But while I manage to open my youngest's mouth wide enough to get a proper latch, I am tense and shout "Hang on!" in frustration as my toddler repeatedly shouts my name and maneuvers herself into a position so painful that she is now in tears and cannot free herself. Now tears well up in my eyes, with my baby still nursing away... I spiral: "The natural consequences of NOT giving her back the sippy-cup that she threw will now create this nuclear energy spike that, if not addressed soon, will result in a 2 hr tantrum, followed by a late nap, leading to a late bed time. And we all know that kids who don't get enough sleep go on to have lower test scores and never move away from home..." (oh how funny these panic moments seem in hindsight.)

I am not GOOD enough. I am introverted. My oldest is extroverted. I have to guard my energy like food in a famine when she is awake. She will absorb every single last ounce of my good. She fills her bucket by socializing. The yin to my yang. If I don't guard my energies, I have nothing left.

WHEN I mess up, am I still enough? 

You see, I, like other human beings, come with flaws. I need daily alone time, an amount of time where I am disconnected from people. This need becomes messy when you throw children into the equation. Some days it just doesn't happen... someone misses their nap time, or someone gets sick... what do I give my kids when I haven't had an opportunity to fill ME up? What bucket do I draw from? And what do I have to offer myself?

• Sometimes I go with my serious bucket... "Maybe If i just become stoic I won't snap at them!?" 
• Sometimes I go with the panic bucket, "Are you kidding me? I'm allowed to be responsible for children while in this condition!? Everyone gets room time!" 
• But sometimes I go to the grace bucket... "Gemma, I know you really hoped to have XYZ, it's pretty disappointing to go without what we want... but if we work together it will be ok."

I am enough.

I'll never always be GOOD enough. But I am ENOUGH. Do you see the difference? I accept that what I have to offer may not always be "good" or "perfect" but because of Grace, it's always enough. And on the days when I have run out of "good" to give myself, I reach for the grace bucket... I deserve heaps of grace. He is enough. Because of Him, there is enough to go around; thank God my success doesn't depend on me. Daily he says to me "Tab, I know you really hoped to be more today, it's pretty disappointing when we go without what we want... but if we work together it will be ok."

Oceans

If you have read my other blogs, you know that I have been writing a series focusing on the song by Hillsong United, called Oceans. It didn't occur to me until today that "Oceans" is plural. I chuckled to myself as I made a host of new connections immediately following. When I hear that word with this realization, it takes on new meaning. An ocean, singular, is unique. It's a new adventure. It has new challenges. Even visiting the same ocean twice will feel different... because we are different. Maybe we have aged, we have overcome these waves before, so we may spend more time contemplating the sand or observing the horizon. So when I hear the word oceans, pluralized, I hear something huge. But I will come back to this shortly.

The last 6 weeks have been... wow. Since the last time I wrote to you all, I am just amazed at how much life has transpired. We welcomed a beautiful baby girl on August 14th, after 4 weeks of what would be considered "early labor" contractions and long nights. I spent a lot of time trying to pace myself, rest and soak up my life as I knew it. 

I was blessed to have my mom stay with us to help make the transition easier and entertain our sweet Gemma when I was 41 weeks along and READY to have a baby. You see, I have had a baby before... Been to that "ocean", got a great souvenir :-). However, I also came away a little wounded. Over the course of my pregnancy I made MANY conscious (and sometimes uncomfortable) choices with the goal of having a healthier and more positive birth experience this second pregnancy. I know that nothing I did could guarantee that I would have the birth that I wanted, which is why I focused on taking care of the "scars" from our first birth and investing in a healthy mom and baby (as far as it depended on me.) The rest I gave to God. I have visited this ocean before, but it was a different season... I had a new pair of eyes this time and a knowledge of how vitally a healthy birth AND positive experience would play into my long term health.

Reia weighed 9lbs even and was born in a record 2 hrs of true labor. She was born at home (insert Jim Gaffigan joke here) and I was blessed to be able to "catch" her myself. Everything I knew about this ocean was old news... This was a whole new experience. It was beautiful and healing.

This is where the true revelation about the word "Oceans" came about. Moments after Reia was born I attempted to nurse her for the first time, only to realize she had trouble latching on, upon examining her mouth our midwife realized this was due to lip and tongue "ties." My heart sank a little. You see, this too is an "ocean" I have experienced before. Breastfeeding was increasingly more painful and within two days I experienced bleeding. We were using all the tools in our tool box to deal with this... Just two years ago we dealt with Gemma's lip and tongue ties and similar issues that followed. To put this in analogy terms: These waves SUCKED, the sand was stuck between my toes, I wasn't wearing enough sunscreen and I got stung by a jelly fish... this ocean was not an ocean I wanted to visit again. 

"Your grace abounds in deepest waters. Your sovereign hand will be my guide. Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, You've never failed and You won't start now!"

These oceans aren't puddles. They aren't piddly little lakes, guys. These are mountains of water. These are familiar, but never predictable.

As I observed the ocean ahead of me, noticing that Reia's ties were definitely going to be an issue, I became emotional. The first time we were in this place, we didn't know what was coming. We didn't know it would mean gallons of tears from myself and Gemma. We didn't know that people wouldn't understand and would diminish our experience. This time, I could see the waves for what they are... I felt the hot sun, I remembered the strong current. I didn't want to be here again... but I WAS here. And I AM here. This ocean is the same, but wisdom and experience (and PLENTY of help) is helping me to navigate these waters for the second time.

Some oceans are intense, challenging and exhausting... but some are incredible and exciting adventures. Having two beautiful gifts from God to call my own is proving to be an extremely magnificent adventure. Between the tantrums and dirty diapers, nap schedules and snacks, laugh attacks and lullabies, night time prayers and morning kisses... the ocean I am in right now is worth the work. Most importantly, I am worth the work.

This life of mine is a gift. The many oceans I have seen, touched, endured, surfed and dog-paddled in... they are my life... and the secret to truly enjoying a life full of oceans is simple...

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior"