My spirit has felt off for a few days now with a heaviness. I feel like I am holding the mic and have been staring at my feet
unsure of why I asked for this opportunity. I have talked to Jason a lot lately
about my upbringing, moving around a lot and having my heart all over America…
I told him it’s been something that my subconscious just doesn’t want to put
down, but I couldn’t fathom why. I sometimes feel like a secret agent because I
know three languages, one of which is Spanish. I have overheard WAY too many
awkward things because people chose to speak freely, I mean… “who would
understand!?” (I have blushed way too many times to count, just FYI… it happens
a LOT.)
Earlier this week Mexico had a record breaking storm coming
for it… (Picture the devastation of an EF5 tornado across a large portion of
Mexico…) my head and heart were in agreement that this was exceptionally scary. I lived
there for a year and a half before coming to Tulsa. I made many trips to
central and southern Mexico as a child and I have MANY heart-family members
down there (We named Gemma after a child I taught in bible class and I have
nieces and nephews I haven’t been able to hug in over 4 years). I know you guys get
what I’m saying, but my heart wants to paint a clear picture… that storm was
going for my heart. In a turn of events that no one can easily explain, the storm
quickly downgraded to a tropical storm once it made landfall. The “miraculous”
nature of this was not predicted. By nature, hurricanes are strongest in
warmer waters… which the coast of Mexico is full of. If that Cat 5 storm had
made landfall at full strength, I am not exaggerating to say that 100s of
thousands of impoverished people would have been in mortal danger.
So we all know that my heart paints pictures and wants to
give you all the full effect… but among my great joy and relief for my loved
ones to be safe, I am reminded again of how far my roots reach. I didn’t grow
up “normal”… which I was naively bitter about while growing up. We spent holiday and
vacation money on long drives to Mexico to serve and love on people I couldn’t
understand or communicate with. A PRIVILEGE that I didn’t understand, nor did I
truly see, until I lived in Mexico as an adult. At this point when I hear
people talk about going to Mexico, I always envision rural or inner city… but
frequently I’m met with descriptions of places like Acapulco or Cozumel.
I know I am not alone in this, which makes this sentiment
even richer. I have many relationships with others who have experienced the
heart of Mexico. But I want that family to grow. I may have grown up as a
nomad moving and traveling quite a bit (a freaking cool experience in hindsight)… but my heart is beginning to
realize what I missed. I feel like I’m dancing a new dance and I don’t know
what to do with my hands. I saw this storm approaching and saw my newsfeed fill
up with prayers and support for the country I love and my eyes filled with
tears. Thank you for loving on my heart family. I sometimes don’t feel worthy
to claim that beautiful country as a second home, but that’s my truth- my story.
I have spent too much time trying to pretend like this longing has faded. So,
this is for you, mis queridos… this is a portion of a poem I wrote in 2010.
Si,les quiero, mis corazónes, y tengo un millón razones.
Y cada amanecer me acuerdo que no estan aqui a mi lado.
en mis sueños siempre ustedes serán”
