The Great Unknown

Hey friends!

This may very well be the last blog post I write before our second child arrives. I'm due anyday now! 

My heart feels calm.

I am not talking about "prepared," though arguably we are quite prepared as we have had two children before. The calm that I feel is because I don't know what is on the horizon and I find that exciting. I have never met this little person before. I don't know what they look like or how they smell. I don't know if they will sleep all the time or keep us up at all hours, breaking glass with their screaming. I don't know if they will be perfectly healthy or have their struggles. 

I don't know. 

But that is beautiful to me. It makes me feel closer to God. Because HE does know.

I think back on the 26 years of life that I have lived. I have memories from when I was 3, awaiting my baby sister. I knew mom's belly had grown, but I had no idea that she would soon give birth to my competition 😉. I definitely didn't know that she would give birth to an incredible person that (with time) I grew to appreciate and now love, 23 years later. 

I had no idea that being the 4th of 5 children would mean that I rarely spent time alone and rarely wore brand new clothing. I had no idea that these things would just create a stronger bond between myself and my siblings as we are unafraid of sharing our hearts and lives with each other. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I had no idea that our crazy, busy household would fill me with so much compassion for those who are in need of family. 

I didn't know!

I had no idea that my freshman year of college would be one of the hardest things I've ever done and one of the loneliest years of my life. I didn't know that I didn't know who I was... And that was horrifying, but was exactly what I needed.

People. I didn't know.

I feel calm because I may not be in control of the future, but I am in control of how I look at it. I set the boundaries today that become paths tomorrow. My perception is on a leash, I can make the most of what comes... Even if what comes SUCKS. 

The great unknown is terrifying and exciting. It's wild and mysterious. It will be hard and kick my butt sometimes, it will stretch me and grow me and scare the hell out of me... But when I think back on where I have come from, I feel calm knowing it's always been out of my hands. 

That's the true secret to feeling peaceful: Being wise enough to know I cannot control ____. But being brave enough to live knowing that ____ can only control me if I let it. 

This week that blank is "becoming a mother of a second child"... Next week it may be something else. 

Get used to being in the unknown. That's where God really works His magic.

Have you listened to Oceans, by Hillsong United recently? This is the second-to-last post in my series of blogs inspired by this song. Take a listen, listen with your heart!

http://youtu.be/DGRz2BJQRXU

When Oceans Rise

I am unfortunately quite familiar with struggle. Due to pride and ignorance, I often have endured struggle on my own, citing "If it's MY struggle, then ONLY I have to deal with this." What a lonely place that is! I frequently found myself angry with God because the world around me was just getting too deep and I couldn't feel his life vest around me... I couldn't see the light house... I couldn't feel anyone reaching to help me resurface. In my effort to be kinder to myself, I know that much of this perception of God was a sheer misunderstanding. I felt that it was only responsibility to give give give, so I rarely gave others an opportunity to bless me. I rarely opened up and shared my weakness because I was terrified of living a "taker" life. But pride played a large part... because lets face it, we live in a world where weakness needs to be fixed. We can work out longer, eat EVEN healthier, do NEW things, try harder... when was the last time that you overheard someone share their struggle and you DIDN'T automatically attempt to find a solution for them in your mind, or out loud?

 Is weakness automatically a negative? Are we afraid of feeling weak?

 Using the analogy of the ocean: If you were swimming along, blissfully enjoying your time in the water, then out of no where the ocean began rising and you could no longer reach the ocean floor... does this mean you are weak, or simply that you need reinforcement? You need to adjust? You weren't prepared... but unless you experience that new challenge, you have no idea how to then stretch yourself. Your limits haven't been tested.

 I hope you don't hear me saying that offering support or encouragement is BAD. My goodness, if you know that someone is struggling and are able to be a light into their darkness, please do it! I feel that the true message I have here today is that we all NEED to experience a rising ocean every once in a while. We all NEED to be challenged. To learn to ask for help. To learn to rely on God. To learn to trust the person God has been raising us to be.

 Why is empowerment such a steady message throughout my blog posts?

 I never knew what I was truly capable of. I don't mean by human standards. I am a firm believer that God has a calling for each of our lives and that many of us accidentally or intentionally live outside of that calling. I believe that the struggles we endure and the bad things that happen to us in this life are meant to challenge us to choose to be the person God created us to be, or someone else.

 I think of Job. He lost everything that he was known for, EXCEPT his faith. Satan thought that Job was only faithful so long as his life was easy. He faced temptations of many kind during that dark time... but in the end, his life was restored ten fold. But did all of that richness and love that he was re-gifted take away from the dark chapter? Did having new sons and daughters take away the pain of losing his other sons and daughters? While this isn't an item that's addressed in the bible, I have to pitch a tent here for a few minutes. If you are reading this and you are someone who has endured a dark chapter, or are enduring a dark chapter... It doesn't have to define you, but it does become a part of your story. Job lived on to be exceedingly wealthy and had incredibly beautiful sons and daughters. But he will also always be the man who lost everything but stayed faithful. What you have endured makes you a spiritual badass. There is something about that word that just sums up my feelings on this topic so completely. You have endured the good, the bad and the ugly. When the oceans rose, you survived. No matter how you dwell on your weakness or on how poorly you handled your "dog paddling" chapter, remember how you endured: God's strength in you. It wasn't your strength alone, it was your soul's primitive instinct to embrace who God created you to be.

 We don't always handle that raw emotional place with the most grace. Some of us rely on God with ease, some of us kick and scream, feeling exposed and wait until the last second to truly rely on Him. The measure of our faith is not simply measured by how gracefully we maintained it... but by how humbly we are willing to execute it. When ocean's rise my soul will rest in your embrace... for I am Yours and You are mine.

Where Feet May Fail

I am what you might call a recovering skeptic. Some know, some don't know, I was virtually "single" up until I was 22 and began courting my (now) husband, Jason. This was both intentional AND unintentional. 

You see, I had strategically surrounded myself with the kind of people I just KNEW I wanted to build a life with. Beautiful, spiritually gifted and magnetic people. People I still count as true friends. I had no plan though. The way I saw it, It wasn't true trust in God if I couldn't leave the entire future up to Him. I believed that if I created plans based on my abilities or my passions, I would somehow miss out on the fullness of God. I was perfectly willing to keep myself busy, but I convinced myself that whoever I pursued and eventually married would pave the road for me... helping me to truly, selflessly, live a life for God... free of "self." It was a great plan... What I somehow overlooked here, was that I completely skipped out on living by faith in the present. 

What began to happen was I diminished my gifts that GOD had given me, essentially trying to become empty of self by becoming a blank canvas instead. I majorly limited my love-interest horizon and called it wisdom. I dabbled in everything and nothing. Skilled at everything. Any future missionary's ideal wife. Before I discuss the obvious repercussions of how this impacted my life, let me just say how absolutely unfair it was for me to put that pressure on men in my life. I am still learning to forgive myself for that season of my life. Men, my own age, who were working their butts off to mature their gifts and create a life that honored God and their gifts. James 2:26 "As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead." I am thankful for God's grace in many of those friends for walking with me through that season and loving me in spite of my obvious failures. Not all of my relationships were so lucky. I found myself working a regular job 40 hours a week, working 25+ hrs a week with missionary apprentices, having biweekly sick days due to my Endometriosis and Depression (More on these in a future post). I was busy and overwhelmed, but aimless. I was ready to become whatever "God" needed me to be...truthfully, I was probably more concerned with becoming what that guy over there needed in a wife. The biggest irony of all?? Most of these young beautiful people in my life had no clue that I was open to finding a relationship. 

My dedication to ONLY being who God wanted me to be began to look an awful lot like "I don't have time for silly romances." I didn't understand what I know now about love, that God created the chase. He wants it to be an adventure, fun, full of compromise and adjusting... But all of those things felt complicated. It felt unstable... surely God wouldn't call me to take on such a confusing venture. What I was totally oblivious to was that God was teaching me about faith. 

When I accepted a summer internship in Tulsa, Oklahoma in 2011, I was making yet another "just buying time" decision, so I could keep busy until God revealed my future spouse and voila, then I would have purpose! (How silly all of this sounds now.) I apparently met Jason on my first full day in Oklahoma. I don't remember his face that day, only his presence. I KNEW what kind of guy God would want me to marry someday and in just a few moments I made a judgement that I was too serious for someone like him (and several other guys around me that summer). I didn't even make time to talk to him. It wasn't until a month later, Jason brought his brother and a friend to my youth class. I made eye contact with him for the first time- and wow, his magnetism on that afternoon 4 years ago, it still brings a smile to my face. I remember him sharing with pride about the tattoo on his wrist and his college homework he had set aside so he could participate in my class. I was very wrong about his level of "serious". I was in unknown territory. He wasn't very "spiritual" on the surface. *Gasp* was I liking him for superficial reasons? Orr... was I seeing through a lens of faith? What I was admiring about him was the message on his wrist, not the fact that it was a tattoo. What I learned about him when he shared that he attended college year-round was that he was a passionate and disciplined worker. What I was seeing when he set aside his homework to participate in a youth activity is that he was never too busy to slow down. He didn't come nicely polished, he wasn't spiritual "noodles in a cup," which I humbly confess is what I was after- EASY faith... building a life with Jason would require faith. 

Jason and I crossed paths a few times that summer. I focused on my youth group and various church responsibilities. I didn't pay very close attention, but i'm sure he was dating someone at some point. As the summer busily continued, I made a discovery about myself... I needed to reawaken my gifts. I needed to find somewhere that would allow me to use them frequently so I could become who God intended for me to be. In October I officially relocated to Tulsa and began what I thought would be a lengthy and independent journey. I looked at two-bedroom apartments, researched fostering and adoption as a single parent, nearly accepted a full-time internship to work with a church that had Spanish and Sign Language ministries... But God had other plans. By late November I was talking to Jason regularly. I thought he had a girlfriend... I am unashamed to admit that I was intentionally more REAL with him because I didn't feel the need to have a guard up around him. I didn't have to "vet" him or try to make him meet some kind of standard that I believed God wanted for the man I would marry someday... because he "wasn't single." I was just real... and I became really surprised when I learned he was available. 

'Real' is what it took for Jason to be able to see my heart for God and people. Things he fell in love with... But it took lowering those walls and truly getting to know him that opened my heart to what God had in store. Not the blank canvas that I was trying to be. So began a time in my life where I spiritually stepped out of the boat and frequently imagined myself sinking at any moment... Asking God, "am I doing it right??" I finally was ready to work my butt off and figure out what God was preparing for me... it just so happens that my journey of honoring my true gifts involves Jason. The secret ingredient. The man I wasn't looking for. God continues to whisper... "I am here." Jason is able to call me out when he sees my faith begin to shake. When my feet may fail me. He has been the greatest gift from God to help me see my potential, my leadership abilities, my weaknesses and my strengths. He has helped me fully comprehend that faith without actions is useless... It doesn't have to be flawless,  it just has to be real.

(Picture: the first photo I have of Jason and I together... Days before we officially began courting.)

My Faith Will Stand

This may come as a surprise to some of you, but I haven't always been the most warm and fuzzy of individuals. My story doesn't need explaining, but I find a lot of peace in sharing it.

If you have read my previous posts, you heard me make reference to an event that happened when I was a child. The healing I have found and the strength I now walk in has been a stark contrast to where I was once upon a time... But that doesn't change the scars I have. I felt silenced. I felt small. I felt alone. One person wronged me and my young heart began to close itself off from love from all directions. It wasn't a reflection on my family or friends that I pushed them away.  I wasn't wise enough to understand that not everyone was a threat. Growing up I was quiet, reserved, sarcastic and quick tempered. Some of these things I learned as a way to cope, some of them were purely reactive. I lacked patience and I avoided close relationships. 

When I was 22 I attended a program called Pathways. I have so much to say about this program and my experience there, but I will save that for another post. The growth I've experienced over the last few years has been incredible for me. I've been showered with support and a great community here in Tulsa and beyond.  However, the truth is that I was bitter and quick tempered until my early 20s. Not only has my transition been hard work, I'm also finding that not everyone sees me differently yet. What appeared to be temper or stubbornness before, may simply be confidence now. What once appeared to be cold-shoulder-distance may simply be boundaries now. It's not that I have become a different person, but I have different and healthier motives now. What I discovered in Pathways is that I have a voice, I can be heard and I have wisdom. I am a hard worker who is very passionate and can use my story to choose different for myself and my family.

(Photo taken in 2011 while doing Demo after the Joplin Tornado)

 Choosing to respond, instead of reacting. What I am learning is that my confidence isn't always received well, no matter how I show it. What I am learning is that my silence for decades makes my "voice" seem defensive. What I have learned is that I don't owe people an explanation or an apology for how much I've changed, but I also cannot expect my change to be understood or received. I cannot expect all of those who have known me the longest to see past what they believe to be true about me. 

I am a person who is comfortably riding the waves of my life as God intended, but that doesn't mean everyone can see that. I am trusting that God has inspired me to use the strength he gave me. My confidence is not in myself... It's in God's power to restore. One ripple in the water at a young age, changed the trajectory of my life. It interrupted the natural growth God intended for me. When I watch home videos of myself from my early childhood, I can see the boldness and strength that I see in myself now.

(My Two Year Old Self)

 I was independent. I didn't need a spotlight, I just wanted to dance to the beat of my own drum... It didn't matter who watched or approved. As a woman, wife and mother, I find that I have great confidence in choosing what works best for us. This doesn't mean our choices are always widely accepted... But it does mean that our choices, which we make using great discernment, are in our best interests, not made on a whim. Marriage and motherhood have brought me to my knees in prayer more times than in the rest of my life all together. 

My faith in God has been the crux of my confidence. Without him, I am still an afraid and defenseless little girl. Still riding the waves of someone else's actions. 

You see, my bitterness and my temper were masks for fear. If someone I trusted was able to harm me, what was stopping others from harming me? I learned to protect myself in the only way that made sense at 4 years old. Become unlovable, cold, cynical. I refuse to live there now, but that does not change my bold spirit. Boldness, confidence and dedication to my passions and my beliefs are trademarks of who I am. But these traits are no longer ways to keep others at arms lengths. Instead, it's just authenticity. If we disagree, it would be discovered eventually... But passive aggression is no longer my MO. The absence of passive aggression does not make someone aggressive... It just makes them direct.

It has taken me a long time to hear my voice and feel it had a place. To feel I could stand up for what I believe in. But it's not Tab who has anything to stand on... Nor is it 'man' that she stands against. No, it's her faith in something greater- SOMEONE greater. Satan likes to remind us of who we used to be and will find a thousand ways to do it... I will never achieve perfection, but in oceans deep... my faith will stand.

From The Ocean Floor

I am no stranger to writing. As a child I learned at an early age to read; An ability that I quickly transformed into an obsession with pen and paper. I've never been a fan of reading. It's not something that is easy for me to describe. I mean, technically I read all of the time. Hundreds of articles a week. I love to learn! But there is something about holding a book in my hands, or knowing how many pages are left... it's just a buzz kill for me. Maybe I struggle to connect with temporal things? Ah. There it is. Temporal. Temporary. Fleeting. I like surprises. I love and hate the feeling of diving in, unsure of what to expect. I find it exhilarating to create those memories... because it's not really about the destination to me. In 2008 I was living in Mexico City, Mexico. At the time I was a member of a missions program called Adventures in Missions. My team and our coordinators, we took a much needed retreat to the coast. It wasn't my first time to visit the Pacific, but it was definitely the nicest beach I had ever seen. It was a beautiful weekend.

However, during this trip, I had an accident. I was body-boarding, I was a beginner, but had already taken several trips out and felt very comfortable. I paddled out along side one of my team mates. They had even less experience than I did, so I found myself chuckling because they misjudged the waves and had taken a baby wave by mistake. Moments later, I glanced over my shoulder... too late to begin paddling, I was about to be wiped out. With my board connected to a tether around my ankle, all I remember is the board getting caught in the undertow, dragging me. My initial reaction was to turn over, I vividly remember seeing the sun beam through the surface of the water, probably 10 feet over me. I hit my head on the ocean floor a couple times, I don't remember exactly. I do remember that all of this happened within just moments. I didn't even have time to wonder "is this it?" I have heard so many tragic stories about how dangerous the undertow can be. As I lifted my head above water, my team mate who had been out in the waves with me was the only one who even had time to notice I was missing. He rushed to me, "woah, what happened?" Once again, between the hit on the head and the brevity of the experience... I honestly brushed it off. I was done boarding for the day, let someone else use my board. The whole afternoon is a blur. My memories pick back up again later that evening, eating at a formal restaurant. I don't remember how we got there, why i chose the outfit I wore, what I had ordered... I had a concussion and didn't know it. I couldn't stay awake through the devotional for that evening, I just felt sick. A few days later, now back in Mexico City, I began to notice I had a stiff neck and a knot on my head. How is that a mirror to my life? I've spent quite a bit of my life avoiding the highs and lows, those temporal, memorable experiences... I just don't like feeling like it's always almost over. I don't actually have anything against "highs". I think they're great! But the problem with highs is that you cannot have them without also experiencing the lows. When I was young I experienced something traumatizing. Something that my subconscious is still learning to release. As though the wave took me under and beat me up... then it was over. Over so fast that I'm still recovering. Still acknowledging the wounds that it left. Most of my life it has just been safer to stay in a fog... avoiding anything memorable. It's when I become vulnerable and open myself up to those highs and lows that my memories begin to return to me. As though I'm ten feet under, looking up at the sun beaming through the water. Like for a few brief moments I am drowning. As weird as it sounds, the most memorable part of my accident was how beautiful the ocean was from the ocean floor. When I experience the wonderful, beautiful things in life, I am also left to face the ugly, nasty things. But what I have learned about myself in the last few years is that I can do it. Many of you know the song "Oceans" by Hillsong. I will write more about this in my next post. Oceans is the inspiration for so many things in my life right now. As I launch this blog page I want to be transparent about where I've been. I am a woman who has seen the ocean from the ocean floor.