You see, I had strategically surrounded myself with the kind of people I just KNEW I wanted to build a life with. Beautiful, spiritually gifted and magnetic people. People I still count as true friends. I had no plan though. The way I saw it, It wasn't true trust in God if I couldn't leave the entire future up to Him. I believed that if I created plans based on my abilities or my passions, I would somehow miss out on the fullness of God. I was perfectly willing to keep myself busy, but I convinced myself that whoever I pursued and eventually married would pave the road for me... helping me to truly, selflessly, live a life for God... free of "self." It was a great plan... What I somehow overlooked here, was that I completely skipped out on living by faith in the present.
What began to happen was I diminished my gifts that GOD had given me, essentially trying to become empty of self by becoming a blank canvas instead. I majorly limited my love-interest horizon and called it wisdom. I dabbled in everything and nothing. Skilled at everything. Any future missionary's ideal wife. Before I discuss the obvious repercussions of how this impacted my life, let me just say how absolutely unfair it was for me to put that pressure on men in my life. I am still learning to forgive myself for that season of my life. Men, my own age, who were working their butts off to mature their gifts and create a life that honored God and their gifts. James 2:26 "As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead." I am thankful for God's grace in many of those friends for walking with me through that season and loving me in spite of my obvious failures. Not all of my relationships were so lucky. I found myself working a regular job 40 hours a week, working 25+ hrs a week with missionary apprentices, having biweekly sick days due to my Endometriosis and Depression (More on these in a future post). I was busy and overwhelmed, but aimless. I was ready to become whatever "God" needed me to be...truthfully, I was probably more concerned with becoming what that guy over there needed in a wife. The biggest irony of all?? Most of these young beautiful people in my life had no clue that I was open to finding a relationship.
My dedication to ONLY being who God wanted me to be began to look an awful lot like "I don't have time for silly romances." I didn't understand what I know now about love, that God created the chase. He wants it to be an adventure, fun, full of compromise and adjusting... But all of those things felt complicated. It felt unstable... surely God wouldn't call me to take on such a confusing venture. What I was totally oblivious to was that God was teaching me about faith.
When I accepted a summer internship in Tulsa, Oklahoma in 2011, I was making yet another "just buying time" decision, so I could keep busy until God revealed my future spouse and voila, then I would have purpose! (How silly all of this sounds now.) I apparently met Jason on my first full day in Oklahoma. I don't remember his face that day, only his presence. I KNEW what kind of guy God would want me to marry someday and in just a few moments I made a judgement that I was too serious for someone like him (and several other guys around me that summer). I didn't even make time to talk to him. It wasn't until a month later, Jason brought his brother and a friend to my youth class. I made eye contact with him for the first time- and wow, his magnetism on that afternoon 4 years ago, it still brings a smile to my face. I remember him sharing with pride about the tattoo on his wrist and his college homework he had set aside so he could participate in my class. I was very wrong about his level of "serious". I was in unknown territory. He wasn't very "spiritual" on the surface. *Gasp* was I liking him for superficial reasons? Orr... was I seeing through a lens of faith? What I was admiring about him was the message on his wrist, not the fact that it was a tattoo. What I learned about him when he shared that he attended college year-round was that he was a passionate and disciplined worker. What I was seeing when he set aside his homework to participate in a youth activity is that he was never too busy to slow down. He didn't come nicely polished, he wasn't spiritual "noodles in a cup," which I humbly confess is what I was after- EASY faith... building a life with Jason would require faith.
Jason and I crossed paths a few times that summer. I focused on my youth group and various church responsibilities. I didn't pay very close attention, but i'm sure he was dating someone at some point. As the summer busily continued, I made a discovery about myself... I needed to reawaken my gifts. I needed to find somewhere that would allow me to use them frequently so I could become who God intended for me to be. In October I officially relocated to Tulsa and began what I thought would be a lengthy and independent journey. I looked at two-bedroom apartments, researched fostering and adoption as a single parent, nearly accepted a full-time internship to work with a church that had Spanish and Sign Language ministries... But God had other plans. By late November I was talking to Jason regularly. I thought he had a girlfriend... I am unashamed to admit that I was intentionally more REAL with him because I didn't feel the need to have a guard up around him. I didn't have to "vet" him or try to make him meet some kind of standard that I believed God wanted for the man I would marry someday... because he "wasn't single." I was just real... and I became really surprised when I learned he was available.
'Real' is what it took for Jason to be able to see my heart for God and people. Things he fell in love with... But it took lowering those walls and truly getting to know him that opened my heart to what God had in store. Not the blank canvas that I was trying to be. So began a time in my life where I spiritually stepped out of the boat and frequently imagined myself sinking at any moment... Asking God, "am I doing it right??" I finally was ready to work my butt off and figure out what God was preparing for me... it just so happens that my journey of honoring my true gifts involves Jason. The secret ingredient. The man I wasn't looking for. God continues to whisper... "I am here." Jason is able to call me out when he sees my faith begin to shake. When my feet may fail me. He has been the greatest gift from God to help me see my potential, my leadership abilities, my weaknesses and my strengths. He has helped me fully comprehend that faith without actions is useless... It doesn't have to be flawless, it just has to be real.
No comments:
Post a Comment