If you have read my previous posts, you heard me make reference to an event that happened when I was a child. The healing I have found and the strength I now walk in has been a stark contrast to where I was once upon a time... But that doesn't change the scars I have. I felt silenced. I felt small. I felt alone. One person wronged me and my young heart began to close itself off from love from all directions. It wasn't a reflection on my family or friends that I pushed them away. I wasn't wise enough to understand that not everyone was a threat. Growing up I was quiet, reserved, sarcastic and quick tempered. Some of these things I learned as a way to cope, some of them were purely reactive. I lacked patience and I avoided close relationships.
When I was 22 I attended a program called Pathways. I have so much to say about this program and my experience there, but I will save that for another post. The growth I've experienced over the last few years has been incredible for me. I've been showered with support and a great community here in Tulsa and beyond. However, the truth is that I was bitter and quick tempered until my early 20s. Not only has my transition been hard work, I'm also finding that not everyone sees me differently yet. What appeared to be temper or stubbornness before, may simply be confidence now. What once appeared to be cold-shoulder-distance may simply be boundaries now. It's not that I have become a different person, but I have different and healthier motives now. What I discovered in Pathways is that I have a voice, I can be heard and I have wisdom. I am a hard worker who is very passionate and can use my story to choose different for myself and my family.
(Photo taken in 2011 while doing Demo after the Joplin Tornado)
Choosing to respond, instead of reacting. What I am learning is that my confidence isn't always received well, no matter how I show it. What I am learning is that my silence for decades makes my "voice" seem defensive. What I have learned is that I don't owe people an explanation or an apology for how much I've changed, but I also cannot expect my change to be understood or received. I cannot expect all of those who have known me the longest to see past what they believe to be true about me.
I am a person who is comfortably riding the waves of my life as God intended, but that doesn't mean everyone can see that. I am trusting that God has inspired me to use the strength he gave me. My confidence is not in myself... It's in God's power to restore. One ripple in the water at a young age, changed the trajectory of my life. It interrupted the natural growth God intended for me. When I watch home videos of myself from my early childhood, I can see the boldness and strength that I see in myself now.
I was independent. I didn't need a spotlight, I just wanted to dance to the beat of my own drum... It didn't matter who watched or approved. As a woman, wife and mother, I find that I have great confidence in choosing what works best for us. This doesn't mean our choices are always widely accepted... But it does mean that our choices, which we make using great discernment, are in our best interests, not made on a whim. Marriage and motherhood have brought me to my knees in prayer more times than in the rest of my life all together.
My faith in God has been the crux of my confidence. Without him, I am still an afraid and defenseless little girl. Still riding the waves of someone else's actions.
You see, my bitterness and my temper were masks for fear. If someone I trusted was able to harm me, what was stopping others from harming me? I learned to protect myself in the only way that made sense at 4 years old. Become unlovable, cold, cynical. I refuse to live there now, but that does not change my bold spirit. Boldness, confidence and dedication to my passions and my beliefs are trademarks of who I am. But these traits are no longer ways to keep others at arms lengths. Instead, it's just authenticity. If we disagree, it would be discovered eventually... But passive aggression is no longer my MO. The absence of passive aggression does not make someone aggressive... It just makes them direct.
It has taken me a long time to hear my voice and feel it had a place. To feel I could stand up for what I believe in. But it's not Tab who has anything to stand on... Nor is it 'man' that she stands against. No, it's her faith in something greater- SOMEONE greater. Satan likes to remind us of who we used to be and will find a thousand ways to do it... I will never achieve perfection, but in oceans deep... my faith will stand.
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