From The Ocean Floor

I am no stranger to writing. As a child I learned at an early age to read; An ability that I quickly transformed into an obsession with pen and paper. I've never been a fan of reading. It's not something that is easy for me to describe. I mean, technically I read all of the time. Hundreds of articles a week. I love to learn! But there is something about holding a book in my hands, or knowing how many pages are left... it's just a buzz kill for me. Maybe I struggle to connect with temporal things? Ah. There it is. Temporal. Temporary. Fleeting. I like surprises. I love and hate the feeling of diving in, unsure of what to expect. I find it exhilarating to create those memories... because it's not really about the destination to me. In 2008 I was living in Mexico City, Mexico. At the time I was a member of a missions program called Adventures in Missions. My team and our coordinators, we took a much needed retreat to the coast. It wasn't my first time to visit the Pacific, but it was definitely the nicest beach I had ever seen. It was a beautiful weekend.

However, during this trip, I had an accident. I was body-boarding, I was a beginner, but had already taken several trips out and felt very comfortable. I paddled out along side one of my team mates. They had even less experience than I did, so I found myself chuckling because they misjudged the waves and had taken a baby wave by mistake. Moments later, I glanced over my shoulder... too late to begin paddling, I was about to be wiped out. With my board connected to a tether around my ankle, all I remember is the board getting caught in the undertow, dragging me. My initial reaction was to turn over, I vividly remember seeing the sun beam through the surface of the water, probably 10 feet over me. I hit my head on the ocean floor a couple times, I don't remember exactly. I do remember that all of this happened within just moments. I didn't even have time to wonder "is this it?" I have heard so many tragic stories about how dangerous the undertow can be. As I lifted my head above water, my team mate who had been out in the waves with me was the only one who even had time to notice I was missing. He rushed to me, "woah, what happened?" Once again, between the hit on the head and the brevity of the experience... I honestly brushed it off. I was done boarding for the day, let someone else use my board. The whole afternoon is a blur. My memories pick back up again later that evening, eating at a formal restaurant. I don't remember how we got there, why i chose the outfit I wore, what I had ordered... I had a concussion and didn't know it. I couldn't stay awake through the devotional for that evening, I just felt sick. A few days later, now back in Mexico City, I began to notice I had a stiff neck and a knot on my head. How is that a mirror to my life? I've spent quite a bit of my life avoiding the highs and lows, those temporal, memorable experiences... I just don't like feeling like it's always almost over. I don't actually have anything against "highs". I think they're great! But the problem with highs is that you cannot have them without also experiencing the lows. When I was young I experienced something traumatizing. Something that my subconscious is still learning to release. As though the wave took me under and beat me up... then it was over. Over so fast that I'm still recovering. Still acknowledging the wounds that it left. Most of my life it has just been safer to stay in a fog... avoiding anything memorable. It's when I become vulnerable and open myself up to those highs and lows that my memories begin to return to me. As though I'm ten feet under, looking up at the sun beaming through the water. Like for a few brief moments I am drowning. As weird as it sounds, the most memorable part of my accident was how beautiful the ocean was from the ocean floor. When I experience the wonderful, beautiful things in life, I am also left to face the ugly, nasty things. But what I have learned about myself in the last few years is that I can do it. Many of you know the song "Oceans" by Hillsong. I will write more about this in my next post. Oceans is the inspiration for so many things in my life right now. As I launch this blog page I want to be transparent about where I've been. I am a woman who has seen the ocean from the ocean floor.